Honey, You Forgot to Close the Time Portal Again

Well gosh darn it honey, you’ve done it again – you forgot to close the time portal. I walked into the backyard to find the thing just swirling away in a vortex of blacks and blues.

How long has it been open and unattended? Based on the fact that the color has been sucked from everything within a 30-foot radius of the thing, I’m going to guess at least a couple of hours.

portalFor goodness sake, honey! I JUST painted that swing set! Now I’m going to have to do it again, because God knows little Madison won’t go anywhere near the darn thing after it’s been stripped down to grayscale!

Speaking of Madison, where is she? If I have to go searching through all of time and space to find my little girl again, well I’m just going to flip out! I really can’t deal with those cavemen right now, Josephine. I mean, seriously, the sheer amount of effort it takes to ask them even the simplest question! And the way they hoot and holler when I show them my “magic” fire stick (Zippo lighter). Please, guys get with the program.

And if you want me to go to the Dark Ages, well you can just forget it. I’ve been shot out of a catapult one too many times.

What’s that? Madison is at Gam-Gam and Pop-Pop’s? Well, thank goodness for that!

But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook – seriously, how many times do I have to tell you to close that time portal? Need I remind you that the thing is a 2-way stream. You leave that thing open, and any person OR THING that happens upon the wormhole on the other end can just come sauntering into our backyard.

And judging by the screams of terror you belted out when that velociraptor crashed our game night with the Stevens’ last week, I’m guessing you don’t want that to happen again.

Look, why do we even have that darn time portal in the first place? I told you it was going to be a waste of money. You do this all the time. You buy something, use it once, and never use it again. This is the treadmill fiasco all over again!

Fine. You want to keep it, that’s fine. But for goodness sake, CLOSE THE DARN THING WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH IT! What were you, raised in a barn?

Do you remember how much that thing cost? You leave it open, and anyone in the neighborhood can just walk up and use it whenever they want. FOR FREE! We’re supposed to be CHARGING for admission, remember? That’s how you talked me into spending the money in the first place.

Look, I’m not going to tell you again. You leave that time portal open one more time, and I’m going to divert the polar rays with a refrigerator magnet. And you know once that happens, the time portal is rendered completely useless beyond repair!

There, okay. I’ve said my peace. Now, what’s for dinner? I’m famished.

Oh, honey, not velociraptor again! We’ve been eating that thing for, like, a month straight! Can’t we just call in an order to The Hut or something? Guh – fine. But I call the tail.


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