Facts About Hell

Have you ever considered selling your soul to the devil, but aren’t sure whether or not you could handle an eternity in Hell? Well, my friends, I’ve been to hell and back (literally). And I’m here to tell you that those Christians have taken a few liberties when it comes to the sheer awfulness of Satan’s abode.

hellSure, the place is unpleasant – no one’s debating that. But really, it’s not as bad as everyone would have you believe. So before you go signing your soul over to the devil in exchange for “cooking lessons from ex-NBA all-star Muggsy Bogues,” you might want to weigh the improvement of your short ribs recipe against these true facts about hell:

Yes, with all that fire and brimstone, it can get pretty hot down in hell. But with the abundance of air conditioning units, it’s not he heat that will get you…it’s the electric bills! $0.29 per kilowatt/hour? Talk about price gouging!

I guess you could call the punishment down there torture – having a demon walk you through a 5-hour slideshow of his “vacation of an after-lifetime” to the River Styx for the millionth time can be pretty excruciating. But if you sneak in a crossword puzzle, it’s not all that bad. Also, you can bet beforehand with your buddy on how many times the demon will use the phrase “totally awesome” during his speech, and that helps make things interesting.

There is a game room that humans can enjoy during free time, but the deck of cards is missing the 4 of spades. Also, you can only be The Iron in Monopoly, and the game of Trouble has a broken Pop-o-matic bubble.

Everyone has to walk around with their biggest sin embroidered on their shirts. Can you believe that? EMBROIDERED!? How nerdy is that!?

When you get there, you’ll be assigned to a dormitory. Overcrowding is an issue, so you’ll be bunking with three other people (and there’s only one bunk bed). Also, the RAs are total hard-asses  (no girls after 9 p.m. and no hotplates. Like ever.).

You will be forced to experience your greatest fear over and over again. But the process for determining your greatest fear (i.e. asking you) opens the door for lying. And that means you can just make your greatest fear whatever you want (mine was “too many puppies”).

Purgatory is right next door. It seems nice. They have a swimming pool.

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot “win” your soul back from the devil by out-fiddling him in a fiddle competition or out-chessing him in a game of chess. Instead, you must beat him in an “Iron Chef” style cooking competition. Lucky for me, my theme ingredient was short ribs (Muggsy Bogues with the assist!).


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