Jeff Wysaski
If you’re interested in picking up hitchhikers, then you’re probably one of two kinds of people:
1. A lonely road traveler looking to swap some good stories with a stranger
2. A murderer looking for an easy kill
If your motivation is the latter, well then you can just take your sadistic tendencies to another website. Because Pleated Jeans is not a website that promotes violence or murder.
If, on the other hand, you’ve seen movies like Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Easy Rider or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and thought to yourself, “Wow, hitchhikers sure do look like a fun bunch of people,” then read on to learn how to pick up a hitchhiker and have fun while you’re doing it:
Step 1: Use a Motor Vehicle
In my experience, hitchhikers prefer to be picked up in a motor vehicle. If you’re just walking down the road, chances are the hitchhiker is going to decline when you suggest he hops on your back (yes, even if you’ve strapped a lawn chair to your shoulders).
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “but a car moves so much faster than my feet! That means I’ll have LESS time to chat it up with my new hitchhiker friend.” This is true, but for the safety and comfort of all parties involved, do yourself a favor and just use a car.
Step 2: Don’t Hit The Hitchhiker With Your Car
When you see the hitchhiker, chances are you’re going to get super excited. After all, just think about all the COOL and AMAZING stories he’s about to tell you! But as much as you’ll want to instantly slam on the brakes and pull off to the side of the road, I wouldn’t advise it.
Why? Because if you haven’t passed the hitchhiker yet, then you’re probably going to run right over him with your car! And if you do that, then the hitchhiker will probably be dead (or at least unconscious) – a fact that dramatically hinders his ability to tell you cool stories. Oh sure, you could toss the corpse into your car anyway, and then use a string to open and close his mouth while you use a funny pirate voice to tell weird hitchhiking stories. But those stories wouldn’t be real, and in my experience, that fact kind of ruins the whole experience.
Step 3: Make Sure the Hitchhiker is a Hitchhiker
Not everyone hanging out on the side of the road is a hitchhiker. Construction workers, fruit vendors, people waiting for the bus – these are not hitchhikers. Also, street signs and discarded plastic bags are not hitchhikers. And trust me, no matter how many times you offer to give them a ride, they will either get mad and tell you “no,” or just make a rude “crinkling” noise before blowing away in the wind.
As such, you should know how to spot a hitchhiker. He will either have his thumb out or carry a sign with a destination on it to let you know he is a hitchhiker. Also, if you see a grizzled guy with a hook for a hand that is carrying a machete, it’s probably pretty safe to say that he’ll get in your car if you give him the chance.
Step 4: Make the Hitchhiker Comfortable
Once the hitchhiker is in the car, you want to make him comfortable so he’ll open up and tell you some cool stories. This is why I always keep an inflatable neck pillow and pitcher of ice-cold lemonade in my car. Hitchhikers love that stuff. Also, pornography.
Once you sense the hitchhiker is relaxed, go ahead and break the ice to get him talking. Good conversation starters include:
“How’d you get that scar?”
“What’s with the rusty shovel?”
“Need help getting those handcuffs off?”
and “Remember Reuben Studdard? Whatever happened to that guy?”
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