Instructions For My Quinceanera

Greetings friend or relative! If you are reading this e-vite, then you have been e-vited to my quinceanera this Saturday evening (my house 3pm-??). Please do not be confused. No, I am not turning 15 years old. Nor am I a girl. Nor am I of Latin American descent. Nor is it even my birthday.

One lucky girl
One lucky girl

So why would I be having a traditional Latin birthday that celebrates me “becoming a woman?” So I can swing a stick at a piñata and hire a mariachi band, of course (also, get lots of presents). This is my big day, so I want everything to go perfectly. As such, please follow these important rules.

Show up on time! I will be descending the spiral staircase at 3 p.m. sharp. And trust me, you don’t want to miss me gliding down those steps in my beautiful strapless taffeta dress. I didn’t pay full price at Sears for you to miss this moment!

Just like Spanish class in high school, I want everyone to call each other by their Spanish name equivalent (Joe = Jose, Greg = Gregorio, etc.). Since there is no Spanish translation for Jeff, please call me “Esmerelda.”

Dave, you’ve been my best bro since Little League, which is why I want you to be my Chambelan (date for the afternoon). No pressure dude, but you better sweep me off my freaking feet!

Take lots of pictures of me! But only when I am making a cute, pout-y face or blowing an invisible kiss into your camera. If any impromptu photos of me show up on la cara libra, so help me God!

The cake will be in the shape of an Xbox 360.

Someone, at some point, needs to give me a heartfelt talk about how I’m “growing up so fast” and how you are “so proud of the woman I am becoming.”

The last song of the night will be “All the Single Ladies” by Beyonce. Please review the attached video so that you can learn the proper choreography.

There is no scheduled ending time for the party, but you probably shouldn’t stay too late. Remember, my bat mitzvah starts at 10am Sunday morning!!


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