I’d Like to Return This Flying Umbrella

Excuse me sir, I’d like to return this flying umbrella. Well, it’s just that I don’t think I really have much of a use for a flying umbrella. You see, my office is across the street from my house, so there’s really no need for me to use the flying feature on a day-to-day basis.

mary-poppins-flying-thumb-250x311Couple that in with the fact that I live near an airport, and really it’s not that smart of an idea to be floating around the stratosphere hanging from a thin piece of domed fabric. I mean, there’s not even a hand harness or anything. One sweaty palm, and it could be all over for me.

No, I’m afraid this magic flying umbrella was really nothing more than an impulse buy.

Also, I noticed something else – it doesn’t fly. That’s right, no matter how many times I tried to get the thing to blast off, it just sat there like a regular old boring umbrella.

I thought maybe all it needed was to get some wind under it to kick-start the magic or something. So I took it up to the roof of my apartment building and jumped off. As you can see from the neck brace, as well as the odd way my knee creates a 90-degree angle with my thigh, that didn’t work out too well.

And it’s not just the flying part that I have to take issue with. You see, if it was just the fact that it didn’t fly, I think I would keep the umbrella anyway. Everyone needs an umbrella, and well, I really like the pattern on this one. It’s cute.

But you throw in the fact that this umbrella doesn’t even achieve the basic function that all umbrellas should offer – keeping you dry in the rain – and I’m afraid this flying umbrella is just completely useless.

That’s right, the darn thing doesn’t block the raindrops at all. I think the problem is that the fabric for the umbrella is too porous for diverting water. You see, silk may be a “light and magic-friendly” fabric for “optimum flying” as the package suggests, but it really sucks for doing the job of a regular umbrella.

Also, and this may sound weird, but I end up getting completely soaked even when it’s NOT raining. You open this umbrella, and for some reason water drops magically rain down onto whoever is standing beneath it. It’s inexplicable.

I think maybe whoever invoked the magic spell on this umbrella must have gotten their spells crossed or something. Because, if I were to describe this umbrella, I would call it a “raining umbrella.” Which, if you think about it, is really a completely worthless product.

Unless, maybe you wanted to pull a practical joke on your boss or something.

But then you would get fired. So no, this flying umbrella serves absolutely no purpose for me. As such, I would like to return it.

No returns? Only exchanges? Well, let’s see what else you have. I suppose I could just get a regular umbrella – Oooh wait! An invisible umbrella!?!? I’ll take it!

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