I Thought I Told You Kids to Put That Fire Out

Jeremy! Madison! What is this fire still doing here? I told you to put this thing out 45 minutes ago! And instead, here I find you holed up in your room playing Monopoly? I told you no board games until you put that fire out!!

house firePut down that top hat and march yourselves over here right now. Look at this – you see that? The fire has engulfed the entire living room! Now, if you’d addressed this issue when I first asked you, the fire could have been contained to the trashcan in the corner.

Why you decided to burn those Judy Blume books is beyond me – those tales are timeless! And even if you did think you were too old for them, soaking them in kerosene and setting them ablaze is NOT the way we dispose of books in this house. Do you hear me? We take them down to the public schools and donate them to the poor kids just like everyone else.

But now, because you decided to procrastinate, you’re job is 20 times harder. Instead of dumping a bucket of water on a flaming trashcan, now you’ve got to get the garden hose from outside, put on flame retardant outfits, maybe even worry about back drafts! What could have been a 5-minute job is now going to take an entire afternoon.

Let that be a lesson to you: you ignore a problem and it just gets worse. Well, I can tell you one thing, the two of you can forget about watching TV this weekend. Not just because it’s melted to the hardwood floors, but because I say so! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: television isn’t a necessity; it’s a luxury.

And that luxury is reserved for little children who don’t set fires. Or at the very least, put out their fires when they are told to.

Oh, and look at your poor father. In there, struggling in vain to stop, drop and roll. Obviously that’s not going to work. The floor’s on fire for crying out loud.

Honey, stop thrashing like that. You’re just fanning the flames!

You kids need to learn some responsibility. If you think I’m going to be the one changing his gauze and peeling off his melted skin, you’ve got another thing coming. That job is all yours.

Well, what are you waiting for? Every second you procrastinate, the harder your punishment is going to be. You better hope the Xbox 360 is already broken from the heat. Because if it’s not, I am so going to delete the hard drive!

Yeah, believe it! So go ahead, grab the axe from the garage, chop your way through those fallen beams and start putting out that fire. And don’t forget the fire blanket, if more than 80 percent of daddy’s body is covered in burns, you can forget about dessert for one whole week!

Geez, I swear you two will be the death of me. I’m going to go to my bedroom and lie down. Come get me when you’re done and I’ll come inspect your work.

And if I find just one smoldering ash, so help me God, I will light the entire living room on fire again and you can start all over.

SO NO CUTTING CORNERS!

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