I’m Afraid You’re Going to Have to Pay Full Price, Jesus

Look, don’t get me wrong. It’s an honor to have you in my line, Jesus. I mean, here I am standing face to face with Jesus of Nazareth – my freaking Lord and Savior! It truly is an honor to meet you, and I mean that. But like I said before, I’m afraid you’ll have to buy a ticket just like everyone else if you want to see the 5:30 showing of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.

jesus christTrust me dude, if it were up to me I would totally let you in for free. Unfortunately, it’s against theater policy to give preferential treatment to ANYBODY, not just you. See, here’s what our training manual says: “It is against Cinemark policy to offer free admittance to any individual of elevated status, including but not limited to celebrities, political figureheads and iconic religious Messiahs.” (that last one is you)

Yes, I realize you died for my sins. And dude, I already said thank you for that. But I’m afraid you’re still going to have to pay full price.

You’re right. I could print you up a ticket without money actually exchanging our hands. But my boss counts my register at the end of the night. If my drawer is short, I’ll get fired.  Is that what you want? For one of your blessed children of the world to get fired from his job at Cinemark?

Also, if I just gave you a ticket, wouldn’t that be a sin? Not only could we go to jail, but we’d also go to Hell!

Oh, you’d forgive my sin if I let you in? Well that’s quite generous of you, Jesus, it really is. But I’m still pretty sure I’d get fired. I mean, I already burned up my one verbal warning last week when I let Dustin Diamond in for free to see Couples Retreat. I knew my boss was going to be mad, but, I mean, come on. I had to do it. It was DUSTIN DIAMOND, for Your sake!

Yes, you are the Son of God. That’s very impressive. And yes, it is a miracle that after 2,000 years in Heaven, you’ve resurrected in my line here at Cinemark to watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. But if you’ve come all this way just to watch an animated film – that’s not even a Pixar production by the way – then surely you’re willing to shell out a few bucks to watch it.

No, Jesus, I can’t give you a senior discount. For one, I would need to see a valid driver’s license, which I doubt you have. For two, you’re not old. Granted, your birthday was more than 2,000 years ago, but then you DIED at the age of 33. So, technically you’re not a senior citizen. You’re an undead 33-year-old. And you don’t see me letting any zombies into Zombieland for free, do you? And they were IN the film.

Yes, I know you’re my homeboy, but I’m afraid that doesn’t change anything. And I could go ask my boss to see if he’s willing to make a special exception, but he’s Jewish. So somehow I don’t think that’s going to work in your favor.

Look, Jesus, I would totally love to hang out and chat some more. Maybe after my shift we can grab some Panda Express and rap about God or the rapture or something. But right now you’re holding up my line. So please either buy a ticket or step aside.

You’ll pay? Oh good! Trust me Jesus, you’re going to enjoy the movie. It’s cute. You won’t regret it. It’s definitely worth $12.50 to see all those crazy meatballs raining from the sky.

Oh, wait. Sorry Jesus. We don’t accept gold coins.


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