How to Become a Princess

It’s every little girl’s dream (also mine) to one day become a princess. And why not? As princess, you would have the cushiest job in the world. We’re talking living in a sweet castle, wearing pretty ball gowns all the live long day, and continuously being told how beautiful you are by your royal subjects (now that’s the life). Also, if anyone cheeses you off, well then off with their heads.

princess costumeIf you think becoming a princess is nothing but a pipe dream, think again. It does happen. In fact, a buddy of mine achieved feminine royalty just last week. And just like I didn’t wait around for an invite to come stay at my buddy’s new Romanian castle (indefinitely), you shouldn’t sit around waiting for Prince Charming to show up at your one-bedroom apartment.

So turn off that episode of Gilmore Girls and get cracking. You’ve got to get out there if you want to make your dreams come true. Here are a few ways to become a princess and live your dreams of becoming a tyrannical spoiled brat:

Marry a Prince

Surely you’ve thought to yourself, “If I could just MEET a prince, I could do my Joy Behar impression and he’d instantly fall madly in love with me.” And yes, this would almost certainly work. But the hard part isn’t getting the prince to marry you once you meet him – it’s finding him in the first place. Here are some common ways to “bump” into a prince:

  • Get invited to as many royal balls as possible
  • Find out where the prince buys his groceries; hang out in the produce department
  • Fall asleep in the middle of the forest, wait for Prince Charming to wake you with a kiss
  • Surround yourself with dwarves. Prince’s love dwarves.
  • Kiss as many toads as humanly possible
  • Befriend a crab and sing about…what are they called? Feet.

Get Your Mom to Marry a King

If you’re too comely to attract the attention of a prince, maybe you could get your mother to marry a king (unless average looks run in your family). If your parents are still married, then go ahead and get rid of that nobody father of yours. Try Photoshopping him into an extramarital affair (the gayer the better) and showing the pictures to your mom. Then, help her rebound with the bachelor king of your choice. Tip: kings want one thing in a woman – fertility. So get your mom good and pregnant.

Start Your Own Country

Screw men. Who needs them? If you trek out on your own, you can start your own country and give yourself the title of “President Queen Princess.” Of course, you’ll have to find a plot of land that isn’t already part of another country. Antarctica is a good option (and an ice castle would be super cool). Or, you could simply row out into uncharted waters, drop an anchor and decree your raft a new country (may I suggest Raftlandia?). Either way, bring penguins with you so they can serve you fish and fan you with palm leaves (note: also bring palm leaves).


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