Jeff Wysaski
Valerie, I don’t mean to interject. You’re story about how your co-worker ate your lunch even though you clearly marked your name on the bag is simply enthralling. It’s just, I really want to tell you something:
I’m super aerodynamic.
Although, I’m sure you might have already guessed that, given the spandex speed suit that I’m wearing.
Again, sorry for interrupting your story. It’s just, at some point we’re going to get up from this table and leave, and I don’t want you to be alarmed by how AMAZINGLY FAST my body cuts through the air!
Also, I know how important the rapid flow of air over a man’s body is to a woman when she’s looking for a suitable life companion. So I just want to go ahead and “clear the air” from the get-go and let you know that I am probably the most aerodynamic (and therefore attractive) man you have ever met.
But of course, my ability to move fluidly through our earth’s atmosphere is only one part of my complete package. I have a very cushy job working for our great city’s government as a token dispenser for the subway. Thanks to my lightning-quick movements, I’m VERY successful at it.
When not working, I enjoy doing wind sprints, shaving all the hair from my body and reducing my drag coefficient – which is currently 0.20 by the way (better than a Toyota Prius!). Of course, I haven’t tested it in a few weeks, so I may have improved since then. We’ll find out when I take you to the Calspan Labs wind tunnel after our meal.
Man, isn’t this first date just going great!! I knew right away when you said that you loved going for long walks on the beach that we were going to hit it off. Because I can teach you how to maximize your forward momentum and decrease friction so those “long” walks become SUPER LIGHTNING QUICK!
What’s that? You have to go to the bathroom? OH GOOD! Here, I’ll lead you there and you can DRAFT BEHIND ME! You’ll get there and back in no time! If you like, I can even come into the stall with you and…
Alright fair enough. Go by yourself. But when we’re LATE for our appointment at Calspan Labs, you’ll be sorry.
Hey, wait! Where are you going? The bathroom isn’t that way! That’s the exit! Oh no! Is the turbulence from the air conditioner throwing you off course!? You know, if you didn’t wear those big billowy clothes, you wouldn’t have this problem!
Keep your head down! Go into a ball! Did you bring a streamlined helmet? If so, put it on!!
Don’t worry, Valerie, I’m right behind you! You can’t “blow” me off! I’d cut through thousands of tornado gusts and high-speed winds to be with you! Come to me, my love, and let me sweep you off your feet!!
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: