Hi. My name is Jimmy Ogden and I am currently in the fifth grade. I know you are a busy guy and all, given that you are an evil supervillain sent from the depths of hell to bring about the next great global apocalypse. However, I was wondering if you could find it in your black, shriveled heart to spare some of your free time to use those levitation boots of yours to shoot on over to Rhodes Middle School in central Connecticut to be my friend.
You see, much like you, I am an outcast. Except, whereas you are disliked because you murder everyone in your path and leave a river of blood wherever you travel, I am disliked because I am good at math and have to wear prescription shoes.
So, as I see it, we are cut from the same cloth. Which is why I was wondering if you could be my friend and protect me from being picked on during school.
You wouldn’t even have to shoot poisonous needles from your Slaughter Gun if you didn’t want to. I really think you just being there, sitting next to me on the school bus or standing behind me in the school lunch line would be enough to keep the bullies away (although, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be a little disappointed if you didn’t use your Laser Stare to disintegrate at least one skull).
You know how you hunger to feed off the severed heads and crushed bones of your fallen innocent victims? Well I feel a similar hunger every time Rick Barton steals my lunch at school. Which is why I think we would make great friends.
Also, your name indicates that you are a doctor. As such, I can conclude that we both share a passion for scholarly pursuits. Except, whereas you have a PhD in Kicking Ass, I hope to one day have a PhD in Juridical Science.
Listen, my dad has been working with the Navy and Atomic Archer on a plan to send you back to the depths of hell from whence you came. First off, I can say that so far, they got nothing! You don’t have to worry about anything because they have no idea how to crack your impenetrable black demon armor.
Secondly, if you agree to be my friend, I will gladly provide you with any insider information I come across. My dad brings home top-secret documents and blueprints all the time. If you come over to my house for slumber parties or something, I’m sure you could get your hands on them once my dad goes to sleep.
Or, I could pay you in other means. Do you like Chinese paper throwing stars? Because I can make those. I know they’re no Electrocuting Death Chain, but they’re still fun to throw.
Anyway, I’m really tired of getting called names at school. So if you have any free time, I would really appreciate it if you dropped by one day to scare off all those stupid jerks at school. Thanks, and good luck with that toxic gas cloud that you’ve got spreading across Eastern Europe right now. I hope it kills everyone dead real good.
P.S. How’s the new Volcano Lair? Are you all moved in and unpacked yet?
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: