How To Become A God

Are you sick and tired of a power level that is not “all-seeing” and “omnipotent?” Have you been sitting around your apartment wondering why throngs of worshippers aren’t groveling at your feet? Are there people in your life that need a good smiting?

If you are human, then the answer to these and other questions is undoubtedly a resounding and enthusiastic, “Yes!”

Well, my friend, you can either sit back and pout about the lousy, flawed human form that fate so nastily bestowed upon you, or you can get up out of your La-Z-Boy and do something about it.

If you really want an entire world of intelligent life forms creating golden images of you and doing your every bidding, then you’ve got to buckle down and become a god. Here are some foolproof paths to get you there:

Die for the Sins of Others

When Jesus died for the sins of mankind, he ascended into heaven and immediately took the seat at the right hand of the Father (note: this seat was super comfortable – probably a padded chaise lounge with killer lumbar support or something). And now, millions of believers validate Jesus’ transition from man to God by uttering the phrase “Jesus is Lord.”

You too can take a seat right next to God by selflessly dying for the sins others. Sure, it may hurt when one of those people you’re dying for is nailing your hands and feet to a cross, but it’ll be all worth it just to have millions of people capitalizing pronouns (He, Her, Him, etc.) every time they reference you in the written word. Also, Jesus totally shreds on the guitar – so you’ll also have that to look forward to.

Become the Creator of Life

Don’t want to be just the Son of God? Skip right to the top of the heap simply by creating an intricate universe of complex life forms. Sound hard? Well, you’re wrong. All it takes is the ability to combine a complex series of infallible mathematical formulas and complex laws of physics in such a way that it creates perfect balance and harmony.

Once you’ve found a good spot outside of the universe to apply these laws, simply mix a bunch of things in a big pot (ammonia, carbon, Kraft French Vanilla Cool Whip, etc.) and BINGO! You’ve got yourself a universe all for yourself. Tip: when manufacturing life, be sure to create INTELLIGENT life forms. Otherwise, your world will be filled with animals too stupid to understand that they have YOU to thank for their existence.

Run a Bunch of Errands for Eurystheus

Upon completing 12 errands (sometimes called trials) for Eurytheus, Hercules became a great hero and was deemed worthy of becoming a god by Zeus and the other Greek gods. Now, it should be noted that these errands might be pretty difficult. For Hercules, they included slaying the 9-headed Hydra, capturing the 3-headed dog of the underworld, Cerberus, and doing other stuff to things that had more heads than inherently necessary.

However, seeing as how Hercules has already achieved all these incredibly dangerous feats for Eurystheus, it is possible that your 12 errands may be substantially less difficult. Catch him on the right day, and maybe you can sneak into Mount Olympus simply by washing his dishes or folding some togas.

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