Merry Christmas!

Happy holidays everyone! Holiday traditions are one of the most cherished and coveted familiarities of the years. For example, my favorite annual Christmas holiday tradition is not working (followed closely by donning now my gay apparel). In honor of this most holy tradition, I am taking a brief break from humor writing in exchange for a little time with friends and family (and A LOT of time with all of my new toys – thanks Santa).

As I’m sure most of you are doing the same, I doubt many of you will miss the absence of new humor articles next week. However, for those who are deeply routed in routine, may I suggest reading some of the least-viewed Pleated Jeans articles for the year? These unpopular (though still very funny) articles are listed below:

See you all in the New Year!

An Interview With God

Recently, Pleated Jeans had the opportunity to sit down with God for an intimate interview (to learn more about how this interview came about and what God is like in person, please review this previous post). This historic and mind-blowing interview can be found below:

Pleated Jeans: First off, thank you so much for meeting with me. Peace be with you.

God on earth

God: And also with you.

PJ: Let’s start from the beginning. “In the beginning God created the heavens and earth.” What spurred you to embark on such a momentous project?

God: You know, my fascination with creating life goes back as far as I can remember. Even in my early days – when I was nothing more than an unorganized collection of pure white light – I can recall conjuring up microcosms of simple life forms. Why was I drawn to such magnanimous ventures? Boredom, mostly. I mean, just because I exist wholly outside of the dimension of time, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it dragging on around me.

PJ: So this universe wasn’t your first?

God: Oh, Me no! There were hundreds of failed drafts before I finally got it right. The idea of molecules, DNA, perfectly balanced physics – all these ingredients for a full-fledged universe took time. Truth be told, I was actually getting quite frustrated near the end of it. I just couldn’t figure out the one key element that was a necessity for all life. Then one day, by pure happenstance, a horror movie I was watching startled me, causing me to get hydrogen in my oxygen. This, of course, resulted in water. I went to work on the heavens and earth the very next morning.

PJ: And of course, we all know that on the seventh day you rested. But just how exactly did you relax after creating an entire universe?

God: The same way I always relax when I need some down time – by staying in my pajamas all day and watching pre-runs of Law and Order.

PJ: Through the ages, many philosophies about you have surfaced: God is love, God is vengeful, etc. Who is the real God?

God: Look, when it all comes down to it, I’m just your normal, every man who just happens to be omniscient, all-knowing and the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be. To be honest, I’m none of those things and none of the philosophers really got it right. That is, except for the great Michael W. Smith, who correctly hypothesized that “My God is an Awesome God.”

PJ: Amen to that.

God: Amen indeed.

PJ: Why do bad things happen to good people?

God: Umm…well…hey…I thought we discussed this beforehand. Wasn’t this just supposed to be a fluff piece? Everything beyond lighthearted anecdotes and current events was supposed to be out of bounds.

PJ: But God, the people want to know.

God: Look, I don’t have to defend myself on this one. I’ll just say that I have a plan and leave it at that. And this plan is so amazing – so incredibly intricate – that when you all see the ending you’ll know that it was all worth it. You know how the creators of Lost pre-planned everything from the beginning? Well Damon Lindelof ain’t got nothing on me. Geez, I thought I came here to discuss my newest project, not get drilled on the mechanisms of my grand plan.

PJ: You’re right.

God: I’m not just right. I’m infallible.

PJ: Of course. So let’s discuss your latest project then.

God: Excellent, yes. It’s called Jesus: The Second Coming, and I’m very excited about it.

PJ: As is the public. The Second Coming has been the heavily anticipated sequel to Jesus Christ for quite some time. Tell me, how do you intend to reintroduce Your Son to the world without simply retelling history.

God: Oh believe me, the Second Coming will be a completely fresh and uplifting new tale. I don’t want to give too much away about the plot, but I will say that this new adventure has something Jesus never encountered in Biblical times: a love story.

PJ: Sounds enticing. However, I must point out that the release date for this project continues to be pushed back. In fact, no actual date for the Second Coming has yet to be announced. This has historically not been a good sign for creative projects…

God: Yes, well when it comes to the Second Coming, timing is everything. Like I said earlier, I’ve planned out everything since the birth of time. The project has been cemented for quite some time. I’m just waiting for the right events to fall into place. And if you are skeptical about the future impact that the Second Coming will have, I can tell you without a doubt that it will be epic. And believe me, you can trust my prediction.

And with that, God thanked me with a pleasant wink, paid the bill for his buffalo wings, spun in a circle with arms outstretched like Wonder Woman, and presumably returned to heaven to sit on his thrown. For the next several hours after sitting in God’s presence, an odd feeling remained swept over my body. As it turns out, this feeling was heartburn from the dozen Blazin’ buffalo wings I had just consumed. However, I have decided to intentionally mistake that feeling for divine insight.

After reading this interview, I hope you too have a similar burning sensation in your heart.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may enjoy include:

An Interview With God – Preview

Since the beginning of time, few things have been more beloved and worshipped than God (save for maybe the sun and Ronnie James Dio). And yet, for all his celebrity, very little is known about this influential man-about-the-galaxy. The majority of our knowledge of Him comes from second-hand accounts relayed by relatives, friends and – all too often – unreliable sources.

Given His reclusive lifestyle, one would assume God to decline all interviews requested of Him. However, through brief inquiry, it turns out God is less like the elusive and reserved Bigfoot, and more like the girl who is too pretty and intimidating to ever get asked out on a date.

Thankfully for you, Pleated Jeans is far too fearless and ignorant to believe that the most important being of all time would decline an interview from a news publication that is neither credible nor read by more than a dozen people in a given day. As it turns out, God has been hungry to talk to the media for centuries – it’s just that no one has bothered to ask before.

That is, until now. As it turns out, one quick e-mail to [email protected] was all it took to earn some face time with our King of Kings.

Perhaps it was Pleated Jeans’ plucky charm that won Him over. Or perhaps He just wanted to promote His latest project (Jesus: The Second Coming). Whatever the case, I had the pleasure of sitting down with God last week to ask Him some of the greatest questions ever posited by mankind.

Seeing as how momentous of an occasion this is, Pleated Jeans has decided to milk this occasion for all it’s worth by stretching the details of the interview out over a glorious 2-day period. As such, the interview itself will be printed in its entirety tomorrow – just in time for one of the most important Christian holidays of the year (Santa’s birthday).

However, as it would be unjust of me to leave you hanging on the edge your seat without divulging some sort of juicy details about our one true Lord, I will curb your appetite for knowledge by relaying some sharp observations that I made about God during the one hour and 15 minutes that we shared a booth in the back of a quiet Buffalo Wild Wings in Palmdale, California. These facts are as follows:

  • We are, indeed, created in His image (though more accurately, He looks like a white version of Marvin Gaye)
  • He likes to eat dinner early (we met around 4:30 p.m.)
  • He is a Seattle Seahawks fan (kept checking the score on the TV behind me)
  • He wears a top hat
  • He does not drink alcohol
  • His favorite Buffalo Wild Wings Signature Sauce is “Medium”
  • He is an excellent tipper

Hopefully, this brief glimpse into His life will be enough to sustain you until tomorrow. Stay tuned for the full interview!

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

The Holiday Inn Abandoned Van

For a unique and affordable way to enjoy your next stay in beautiful Detroit, Holiday Inn now proudly offers a new way to stay in luxury – the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van.

Conveniently located just minutes from such attractions as the wrong side of the tracks and an abandoned scrap metal factory, the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van serves as a central location to a number of possible vacation destinations.

Guests have the opportunity to choose from two available room settings. For sensible luxury, guests are invited to stay in our Silver Level guestroom – the Driver’s Seat. Amenities abound in this affordable living option. Spread out and relax in style thanks to the ’86 Ford Astro front bench seat. De-stress after a long day of business meetings or sightseeing with the help of the pine-scented air freshener. For entertainment, lose yourself in the eclectic sounds of AM radio, or take advantage of our Imagination Racing Game, complete with steering wheel controls.

For those wanting a little more from their Holiday Inn experience, we proudly offer a Gold Level guest room – the Cargo Area. Whether you are a newlywed enjoying your honeymoon or an executive finishing up some out-of-town business deals, you’ll be sure to sleep like royalty. Rest your head on the complementary stack of discarded newspapers. Use the Styrofoam coffee cup to give yourself a pick-me-up in the morning (coffee not included). And for virtually endless entertainment, enjoy late-night conversations with the junkie who we can’t get to leave.

Regardless of the room you choose, all guests will benefit from a myriad of on-site amenities. Start your day right with a complementary hot breakfast buffet, courtesy of the nearby tire fire. Relive the old hobo stories of yesteryear as you and two other guests crowd around a tree stump to share a single baked bean.

Our state-of-the-art fitness center incorporates such advanced machinery as heavy rocks for throwing and scrap metal for lifting. Our outdoor pool/bathtub also serves as a day spa, thanks to the natural infusion of mud and algae into the water. For the business traveler, our business center includes a bunch of old fast food wrappers for writing letters and an all-in-one fax/printer/copier (broken).

Despite the focus on value, the Holiday Inn Abandoned Van incorporates the same level of high-quality customer service as all other Holiday Inn hotel brands. From the concierge behind the cardboard box to the maid service provided by a pack of mangy dogs that roll around in the rooms sometimes, you’ll be in good hands at Holiday Inn.

Choose Detroit’s Holiday Inn Abandoned Van for your next trip, and you’ll be rewarded with room rates as low as $69.99 (cash only, change may not be available).

Directions – from the airport, take Interstate 94 East. Exit Prospect Road and turn right. From the 7-Eleven, head into the woods and follow the train tracks west for half a mile. Holiday Inn Abandoned Van is located directly behind the large pile of discarded beer cans and medical syringes.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may enjoy include:

House-Sitting for Kim Jong-il

Dear Kim Jong-il,

Hi! How is everything going in the secret underground nuclear testing facility? Good, I hope – have you been wearing that lead vest I made you? Anyway, I don’t mean to interrupt your plans for world domination or anything, but I just wanted to give you a quick house-sitting update.

Here are the highlights from this week:

  • That cease and desist letter from the European Union finally came yesterday (it’s pretty funny, I’m sure you’ll get a good laugh out of it)
  • The exterminators came today (no termites)
  • I fixed the Internet (cord was unplugged)

Yeah, so pretty much all good news on my end. However, while I’ve got you, I just wanted to ask you a quick question: those antiques Ming vases you’ve got on display in the living room weren’t priceless were they?

I only ask because I may or may not have broken one or two of the ones given to you by President Mao Zedong back when he was the communist leader of China.

Now before you get mad, let me just say that it wasn’t my fault. First off, you’ve got those vases placed on those really tall, narrow platforms in the middle of the room. That’s a little hazardous, don’t you think? I mean, did you not think that someone might want to teach himself how to do handstands and karate moves in that room at some point? It’s a living room for goodness sake!

While we’re on the subject of bad news – you know that basketball with Michael Jordan’s autograph that Madeleine Albright gave you? Yeah, it’s ruined. You see, I was using it to do slam dunks off of the trampoline (super fun by the way), when the delivery guy showed up with my Korean BBQ. So I ran inside and left the ball out all weekend in the rain and the autograph wore off. It’s okay, though, because I yelled at the delivery guy for his mistake (showing up at the wrong time) and I have his name and address if you want to torture him or something.

Speaking of Korean BBQ, I got barbeque sauce all over your father’s childhood teddy bear. I know it’s one of the last personal items you have from him, which is why I was hesitant to take it out of the display case and use it as a napkin. But there weren’t any other options in your bedroom, and I really didn’t want to get out of bed to wash up.

Don’t worry though, because I washed the bear and the stains came out. I think your washing machine must be broken though, because the bear kind of disintegrated in the wash.

Also, your dogs are dead (aren’t those things supposed to bark when they get hungry)?

So yeah, really looking forward to seeing you when you come back for your birthday next week. I’ll be sure to oversee the setup and make sure nothing goes wrong! Good luck with the nuclear testing and see you soon.

With Love,

Your Son, Kim Jong Un

P.S. I ate that cake with all the candles on it that was in the refrigerator. You didn’t need it for anything, right?

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may enjoy include:

How To Embarrass Your Child From Long Distance

From the terrible twos and puberty all the way up to teen angst and the dreaded goth phase, raising kids sometimes seems like 18 years of hard labor. Putting up with all those temper tantrums and snotty comments can be difficult, but when it all comes down it, we all know being a parent is worth it for one reason – the sheer fun that comes from embarrassing our kids in public.

Giving him a hug in front of his friends, sending her to school in uncool shoes, breaking out the baby photos before his first date – these are the moments that make it all worth it.

And sure, embarrassing your child is easy when he and his friends are always around (two words: clown costume), but what happens when he goes off to college? Does growing up mean you have to lose that parenting high that comes from humiliating your little man or woman in public?

Of course not! It just means you’ll have to get a little more creative in your efforts. To keep those good-time feelings coming, here are some tips on how to embarrass your child from long distance:

Send Gifts

When it comes to long-distance embarrassment, FedEx is your best friend. Unlike other forms of communication like phone calls and emails, corresponding through the mail can easily be manipulated into an embarrassing moment. This is especially true when the “care package” is sent to the child’s first period class, after-school job or other public place.

For best results, don’t wrap the gift – this eliminates the possibility for your kid to open the box in private. Instead, order a gift that is hard to wrap (like a cookie bouquet or batch of balloons that say “my little man” on them). Then, for optimum humiliation, have it delivered by a singing telegram that is dressed like a giant teddy bear.

Contact Their Friends

Private, one-on-one and easy to ignore when friends are around – there’s really no point to ever call your kids on the telephone. His or her friends, on the other hand, are another story. This is because your child’s friends love embarrassing him or her just as much as you do!

Are you worried about your son because he hasn’t called you in a week? Call his frat buddy and tell him to have your son call you. Come across an especially embarrassing photo of your daughter’s awkward phase? E-mail it to her cheerleading squad. Regardless of the scheme you come up with, always end the conversation by asking the friend to tell your child “that I love him!”

Turn That Long Distance Into Short Distance

Finding excuses to drive cross-country just to say hello are always a great way to bypass the constraints of long distance. Homecoming, graduation, the kegger on Friday night – these are all great reasons to surprise your kid with a visit (and freshly knit sweater).

If you’re growing tired of coming up with excuses to come down and visit, then just eliminate that long-distance relationship altogether and become a classmate of your child by enrolling in the school.

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If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

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