There is Nothing Quick About This Quicksand

Man – seriously, what is the deal with this quicksand? It feels like I’ve been sinking for hours!

I thought for sure I would have drowned by now, but here it is almost nightfall and I still have the COMPLETE use of both my arms – which I am currently using to cross angrily over my chest in a blatant attempt to convey to this sand just how angry I am at it.

And, trust me, sand, if my right foot were still free from your unnecessarily slow and drawn-out engulfment, I’d be using it to tap the jungle floor repeatedly in an effort to further display my impatience.

Lord, how long has it been already? Let’s see, I chased that monkey up into that tree so I could pet it right after lunch. Then, I immediately fell out of said tree and into this sand while trying to do my funny monkey dance to get him to be my friend. So that means…FIVE HOURS!? I’ve been sitting here in this quicksand for FIVE HOURS!?

THAT IS BULLSHIT! I should have felt the sweet relief of cold, moist sand entering my mouth and nasal passages HOURS AGO!

Pfft. Quicksand? More like SLOW sand! Who names this stuff? Who in their right minds would actually think this pace of sinking was “quick?”

A moron, that’s who!

And what is up with that stupid boa constrictor hanging out over there in that brush? Hey slimy, how about a little less staring and a little more suffocation, huh? Why am I over here DYING OF BOREDOM, when you could end my misery with just a couple quick seconds of constriction?

Geez – rude much?

Seriously, if you want to eat me, then you better hurry up. Because the way things are going, you’ve only got SEVERAL MORE HOURS before I finally sink completely out of the reach of your massive, unhingeable jaws.

You know, if I’d known it was going to take this long, I might have tried to reach that hanging vine that was almost certainly within reach when I first fell in. But thanks to the completely inaccurate portrayal of quicksand in movies and cartoons, I thought I only had mere minutes before my life came to a quick and untimely death.

Which is why I opted to skip grabbing that vine in favor of sitting back and letting my life flash before my eyes (I really wanted to relive that time I almost petted a money).

And another thing – I’d always heard that if you get caught in quicksand, you shouldn’t struggle because it just means you’ll sink faster. Turns out, that’s not true at all! Believe me, I tried speeding up this painfully slow dying process by thrashing about as much as possible, but all that did was get my body to actually start BREAKING FREE from the tortoise-paced death grip of this stupid sand.

Talk about counterproductive! I had to wait a whole hour just to get my legs to re-sink again!

And so Dale, to answer your question: that is why I will not grab onto the rope you’ve thrown out for me – because it will do nothing to actually help me sink faster. In fact, it’ll probably only make things worse. So do me a favor and just leave me alone.


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