How To Embarrass Your Child From Long Distance

From the terrible twos and puberty all the way up to teen angst and the dreaded goth phase, raising kids sometimes seems like 18 years of hard labor. Putting up with all those temper tantrums and snotty comments can be difficult, but when it all comes down it, we all know being a parent is worth it for one reason – the sheer fun that comes from embarrassing our kids in public.

Giving him a hug in front of his friends, sending her to school in uncool shoes, breaking out the baby photos before his first date – these are the moments that make it all worth it.

And sure, embarrassing your child is easy when he and his friends are always around (two words: clown costume), but what happens when he goes off to college? Does growing up mean you have to lose that parenting high that comes from humiliating your little man or woman in public?

Of course not! It just means you’ll have to get a little more creative in your efforts. To keep those good-time feelings coming, here are some tips on how to embarrass your child from long distance:

Send Gifts

When it comes to long-distance embarrassment, FedEx is your best friend. Unlike other forms of communication like phone calls and emails, corresponding through the mail can easily be manipulated into an embarrassing moment. This is especially true when the “care package” is sent to the child’s first period class, after-school job or other public place.

For best results, don’t wrap the gift – this eliminates the possibility for your kid to open the box in private. Instead, order a gift that is hard to wrap (like a cookie bouquet or batch of balloons that say “my little man” on them). Then, for optimum humiliation, have it delivered by a singing telegram that is dressed like a giant teddy bear.

Contact Their Friends

Private, one-on-one and easy to ignore when friends are around – there’s really no point to ever call your kids on the telephone. His or her friends, on the other hand, are another story. This is because your child’s friends love embarrassing him or her just as much as you do!

Are you worried about your son because he hasn’t called you in a week? Call his frat buddy and tell him to have your son call you. Come across an especially embarrassing photo of your daughter’s awkward phase? E-mail it to her cheerleading squad. Regardless of the scheme you come up with, always end the conversation by asking the friend to tell your child “that I love him!”

Turn That Long Distance Into Short Distance

Finding excuses to drive cross-country just to say hello are always a great way to bypass the constraints of long distance. Homecoming, graduation, the kegger on Friday night – these are all great reasons to surprise your kid with a visit (and freshly knit sweater).

If you’re growing tired of coming up with excuses to come down and visit, then just eliminate that long-distance relationship altogether and become a classmate of your child by enrolling in the school.


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