Since the beginning of time, few things have been more beloved and worshipped than God (save for maybe the sun and Ronnie James Dio). And yet, for all his celebrity, very little is known about this influential man-about-the-galaxy. The majority of our knowledge of Him comes from second-hand accounts relayed by relatives, friends and – all too often – unreliable sources.
Given His reclusive lifestyle, one would assume God to decline all interviews requested of Him. However, through brief inquiry, it turns out God is less like the elusive and reserved Bigfoot, and more like the girl who is too pretty and intimidating to ever get asked out on a date.
Thankfully for you, Pleated Jeans is far too fearless and ignorant to believe that the most important being of all time would decline an interview from a news publication that is neither credible nor read by more than a dozen people in a given day. As it turns out, God has been hungry to talk to the media for centuries – it’s just that no one has bothered to ask before.
That is, until now. As it turns out, one quick e-mail to [email protected] was all it took to earn some face time with our King of Kings.
Perhaps it was Pleated Jeans’ plucky charm that won Him over. Or perhaps He just wanted to promote His latest project (Jesus: The Second Coming). Whatever the case, I had the pleasure of sitting down with God last week to ask Him some of the greatest questions ever posited by mankind.
Seeing as how momentous of an occasion this is, Pleated Jeans has decided to milk this occasion for all it’s worth by stretching the details of the interview out over a glorious 2-day period. As such, the interview itself will be printed in its entirety tomorrow – just in time for one of the most important Christian holidays of the year (Santa’s birthday).
However, as it would be unjust of me to leave you hanging on the edge your seat without divulging some sort of juicy details about our one true Lord, I will curb your appetite for knowledge by relaying some sharp observations that I made about God during the one hour and 15 minutes that we shared a booth in the back of a quiet Buffalo Wild Wings in Palmdale, California. These facts are as follows:
- We are, indeed, created in His image (though more accurately, He looks like a white version of Marvin Gaye)
- He likes to eat dinner early (we met around 4:30 p.m.)
- He is a Seattle Seahawks fan (kept checking the score on the TV behind me)
- He wears a top hat
- He does not drink alcohol
- His favorite Buffalo Wild Wings Signature Sauce is “Medium”
- He is an excellent tipper
Hopefully, this brief glimpse into His life will be enough to sustain you until tomorrow. Stay tuned for the full interview!
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