Kids, Grandpa’s Gone Away Forever to Live on a Farm

Kids, come here – we have some bad news for you. You remember how last year your mother and I made the decision to take your dog, Muffin, out to that farm in the country so he could have more room to run and play? Yeah, well yesterday we also decided to take grandpa up there and drop him off.

Now, I know you’re going to miss your grandpa a whole bunch, but you have to realize that he’s in a better place now. I mean, you know we loved grandpa with all our hearts, but it just wasn’t fair for us to keep him cooped up in that small basement downstairs all day while we were at work and you were at school. That’s just not how grandpas should live. You saw how sad he was when you would leave for school – just staring at you with those big sad eyes as you walked down to the school bus.

That’s why he’ll be much happier running around and rolling in the big, open meadows all day on this great farm we found upstate.

And you two saw how much grandpa loved squirrels, right? He’d sit in that chair by the window for hours just looking out into the backyard with that goofy old smile of his – and every time he spotted a squirrel, boy, would he just go nuts. Well, now instead of being stuck inside without the ability to open the sliding glass door because of his arthritis, he can actually be out there on that farm shuffling after those squirrels in his house slippers!

No, Billy, I’m sorry but we can’t go visit him. But don’t worry, because there are lots of other old folks out there to keep him company. You should have seen the way they all ran out to greet us when we arrived. They shuffled alongside the car as we drove up the dirt path, and as soon as we got out, they all crowded around him before going off to play in the cornfields. He looked so happy!

Oh, and you should have met the nice family that owns the farm. You know how grandpa is usually very skeptical of strangers who are younger than him? Well, he just took to this family right away!

Of course, no family could replace the one that grandpa has right here, but this family will treat him real nice – I just know it. Trust me, they’ll give him lots of attention and treats every day, and if he’s really good I bet they’ll even rub rash cream on his tummy for him. Plus, out there in the country, they have a channel that is all Matlock and Murder, She Wrote re-runs – and you know how much grandpa loves those old mystery shows.

Oh my, and you should have seen the toy room they had set up. You walk in, and there are crossword puzzles as far as the eye can see. Grandpa picked one up off the floor and started playing with it right away like it was his.

The room also had lots of old, boring black-and-white movies with really bad special effects. And on one side of the room, they’ve got one long rack filled with nothing but cardigan sweaters. Grandpa will never have to worry about complaining about it being drafty again.

Also, in one corner of the room was the biggest button collection you’ve ever seen! And above that, a big old sign that said, “It’s a grandpa’s life.”

Boy, I wish you guys could have seen his face when we dropped him off. But like I said, we’re not allowed to visit him there, on account of the farm rules. But don’t worry, because that doesn’t mean we’ll never see him again. When mommy and daddy get older, we’ll go away and live on that farm too.

And eventually, so will you. Although, I’ll be honest, I hope you don’t get to go there for a long, long time. Even if it is just about the most amazing place you’ve ever seen.


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Mad Scientist Career Outlook Profile

Mad scientists apply the principles of science and mathematics in an attempt to bring a myriad of evil, self-promoting schemes to fruition. While the ultimate goal of a mad scientist may be world domination, other, lesser career aspirations may include exacting revenge on a perceived antagonist, re-animating corpses and tricking a girl into falling in love with him.

Job duties of a mad scientist may include:

  • Setting up and maintaining laboratory equipment
  • Monitoring experiments
  • Robbing graves
  • Kidnapping live human specimens
  • Controlling the weather
  • Attaching lasers to sharks or bears
  • Standing over colored, bubbling test tubes and laughing maniacally

The majority of mad scientists work indoors in laboratory settings. Due to the inherent secrecy of the profession, most labs are found in rural or remote areas. Locations that boast the largest populations of mad scientists include underground lairs deep below the earth’s surface, the interior cavity of active volcanoes, and hollowed-out chambers within the four presidential heads of the Mt. Rushmore monument.

While post-secondary education is not a requirement for employment within the field, a master’s or doctoral degree is often beneficial for the purposes of understanding the complexities of such advanced topics as human biology, germ warfare and skin-melting chemical compounds. College graduates also benefit from the opportunity to be over-shadowed by the scientific pursuits of a more good-natured and humanitarian student, which studies have shown is a key factor in achieving success in the field.

Beyond formal education, a considerable amount of real-world experience is also suggested for the aspiring mad scientist. Extracurricular activities that may improve job prospects include losing touch with reality, learning to work with and around chloroform-soaked rags and physically enlarging his or her brain through the use of radioactive materials or other means.

Personality traits that may be beneficial for mad scientists include dementia, lack of social skills, callousness towards the emotions of others, megalomania and the ability to multitask.

Potential work hazards for the professional mad scientist are unusually high in comparison to other professions, and include everything from accidental poisoning and incineration to being assaulted by a mob of villagers carrying torches or foiled by a suave government agent right after detailing his or her entire plot for world domination.

Recent advancements in the fields of cloning, mind control and ray gun technology suggest that overall job prospects for mad scientists will grow much faster than the average of all U.S. professions. In fact, by the year 2015, experts project that an evil cadre of mad scientists will supplant themselves as global leaders of the human race through the use of subliminal hypnosis and heat-ray vision.

Earning potential for these industry leaders is estimated to be $3,500,000,000,000 annually.


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How to Give Up on Your Dreams and Just be Average

When we are young, we all have dreams about the future. Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, or an actress, or even a famous writer. Thankfully, by the time most of us grow up, we realize how incredibly intangible and difficult it is to accomplish such a dream.

And so we inevitably forget about these silly, childish ideas of “achieving our full potentials,” “enjoying our jobs” or “being happy” and quietly dig ourselves into a nice, comfortable rut from which we can slowly pass our time with minimum effort or stress.

Naturally, this is as it should be. However, for the unlucky few who still cling to the ridiculous dream of one day “publishing a novel” or “curing cancer,” the long and arduous road of constant failures and setbacks is an all too common occurrence. If you would like to break free from this real-world nightmare and learn how to blissfully coast through life as if in a coma, then do yourself a favor and follow these  four simple steps:

Get a Job That Slowly Sucks the Life Out of You

If you’re a dreamer, the first thing you need to get rid of is all that motivation and self drive. One of the best ways to flush these unwanted characteristics from your life is to slowly crush your spirit under the weight of an unfulfilling job. If you’re having trouble finding such a job, then you haven’t been looking very hard – shitty jobs are everywhere.

For best results, stick to the corporate or retail worlds. These fields are especially monotonous, and almost certain to leave you a mere shell of yourself. After a couple years of staring at your cubicle walls and discussing how much you hate Mondays with your co-workers, you can bet that spirit of yours will slowly crumble and fade away.

Tip: steer clear of “mirage industries” such as entertainment and fashion. Seeing others succeed around you may falsely convince you that your dreams are worth pursuing.

Buy a Premium Cable Package

If you’ve found the right job (i.e. the first one that was offered to you), then chances are you’ll be nice and wiped after putting in your 9 to 5 every day. At least, you better hope so – otherwise you may be tempted to pursue your dreams in the off hours. To eliminate such motivations, invest in a premium cable package.

Television – or as scholars call it, “The Great Distracter” – is the miracle invention that helps you turn off all those nagging voices in the back of your head that keep telling you to make something of yourself. And with hundreds of channels to choose from, you can be sure that something at least slightly amusing will be on to distract you at all times.

Tip: steer clear of inspirational or educational shows, as these may get you thinking about your life. Better options include TMZ, CSI: Miami and pretty much anything on MTV.

Take Up Drinking

Drinking is another great way to slowly drown the motivation out of you. A few glasses of Merlot, Chardonnay or Irish Car Bombs after work, and your head will be swimming with anything but creativity. Plus, filling that hole inside of you with alcohol (or drugs, or sex, or any other vice for that matter) will trick you into thinking nothing is missing in your life.

Bring Others Down With You

Once you’ve successfully given up on your dreams and accepted life as a normal, completely average person, it’s time to pay it forward and help others by bringing them down with you. If a friend or loved one is struggling with giving up on his or her dreams, help them out by saying things like, “you’ll never succeed” or “why don’t you take a break and come watch some TV with me?”  Not only will this save your friend from a lifetime of heartbreak, but it will also make things more tolerable for you – remember, misery loves company.


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Love Connection in the Medieval Dungeon

Hey Alphonse, buddy, I know you just got back from the iron maiden and everything, but will you stop moaning in agony for two seconds and listen to me? You see that lady over there that they’ve got chained to the rack? Yeah, that’s right, the one with the really long arms.

Well, I was wondering, do you think she likes me? Because, I’ll be honest, I think she’s super cute. And normally, I wouldn’t think that a girl like that would go for a guy like me – I mean, look at me, I’m chained to a dungeon wall, covered in filth and wearing tattered rags – but I swear to God I keep catching her looking over here at me.

Although, it’s hard to say if she’s looking over here because she likes me, or because I happen to be in her line of sight. And, of course, I keep looking at her, so maybe she keeps looking at me because she’s trying to figure out if I’M staring at HER.

Regardless, man, I think I’m in love. You think I should talk to her? Maybe ask her out? I mean, the pool of eligible ladies down here in this windowless dungeon is pretty shallow. Given that fact, I should probably make my move before some other chump gets a chance.

Oh, but then what if it doesn’t work out? Most likely, we’ll both be stuck in this stone basement of despair for the rest of our lives. Which means I’d have to look at my ex from across the room for all eternity. Talk about awkward!

I mean, can you imagine getting thrown into one of those tiny cages hanging from the ceiling up there, only to look over to discover that your ex is your neighbor? Now, that’s what I call torture! You better just hope she’s wearing an iron mask and can’t talk, am I right?

But still, I think I should go for it. Because seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed a girl. Oh sure, the guards make me kiss their boots all the time, but a cold, muddy boot just isn’t the same as kissing a pretty girl – no matter how good you are at closing your eyes and pretending.

And look at the lips on that girl! Sure, they’re all dried and cracked and covered in blood and stuff, but even still, I bet kissing her would be like kissing a big cloud of cotton candy.

Oh my God! Did she just smile at me? Alphonse, did you see that? Was that a smile? Did that girl just smile at me? Or was she just clenching her teeth in response to the intense pressure that those racks are putting on her muscles and tendons? And was that a wink, or is she just writhing in pain?

Oh God, I can’t even tell when a girl is flirting with me anymore! That’s it, I’ve got to ask her out. Alphonse, you’re scheduled to go onto the rack later today, right? Do you think I could switch with you? Because if I could get the guards to rip my appendages from my torso with the help of that rack right next to her, man, that would be so sweet!

Wow, really? You’ll really let me switch with you this afternoon? Oh Alphonse, you are too kind! Oh joy! I can’t believe I’m going up on the rack today!! Of all the luck!

Okay Alphonse, if I’m going to impress her, I’m going to need to look my best. Which is why I need to borrow your tattered rags.

Oh, come on, man! Your rags are so much nicer than mine! Mine don’t even cover my malnutritioned stomach. Just look at this giant rib cage I have jutting out from my emaciated body – it’s gross! I can’t have her seeing this – at least not on the first date!

Oh sweet, thanks man! You’re a lifesaver! But just so you know, if I end up bringing her back over here when all things are said and done, I’m gonna need you to do me one more solid and make yourself scarce. Because, I’m telling you man, if these chains are rockin, you do not need to come knockin!


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Puppies-for-Guns Campaign Brings End to 100-Year Gang War

When Mayor Bloomberg announced his plans to curb gang violence in New York by enacting a “Puppies-for-Guns” campaign last Fall, experts were skeptical that the city’s most notorious gang families in the city would “bite” at the opportunity to trade in illegal pistols and machine guns for adorable Pomeranians and Maltipoos.

However, since to program was enacted, NYPD has reported the collection of more than 120,000 handguns, and a reduction in gang violence by as much as 91 percent.

When asked for comment about the resounding success of the program, Mayor Bloomberg was heard to respond, “Every dog has his day. Today is mine.”

Indeed, Bloomberg has much to wag his own tail about – the Puppies-for-Guns campaign was universally hated by state legislators when suggested over 5 months ago. However, the mayor remained staunch in his efforts to push the “ruff”-erendum through. In a remarkable feat of political lobbying, the Mayor eventually won the necessary votes for his “pet” project by bringing a wicker basket of puppies with bows tied around their necks to the state hearing.

Upon seeing the basket of cute pooches, state officials responded by rolling around and rough housing with the puppies on the congressional floor.

As it seems, a similar heart-warming response successfully rubbed the seedy “underbelly” of the mafia world. Upon trading in a sawed-off shotgun for a snuff-nosed pug, Vinnie “the Chin” Gigante, infamous “top dog” for the Genovese family, was heard to say, “Aww, cutey wutey!”

A few days later, Gigante officially disbanded the 100-year-old Genovese Mafia. In an interview with CNN, Gigante told reporters: “Yeah, I love guns. But I love Butterscotch even more. One look at his wrinkled wittle nose and teenie-weenie paws, and I was sick-as-a-dog in love. You look into the eyes of this pooch and you tell me whether you ever feel like snapping necks or stabbing rats again – it’s impossible I tells ya!”

In relation to gang revenge and retaliation, it would seem the rest of the gang world has also decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Last week, leaders of the Bonanno and Luchese family were seen together in Central Park walking their Boston Terriers, who were wearing matching sweaters.

The Puppies-for-Guns program has clearly “worked like a dog.” However, a few minor negative outcomes have occurred. While murders are down 94 percent, late-night noise complaints related to “barking” are up 270 percent. Allergy attacks are also on the rise, as are reports of face lickings and mailmen uniforms with bite marks taken out of the haunches.

Such minor inconveniences are a small price to pay for the added safety of the city, most citizens agree. Truly, applause for Mayor Bloomberg’s initiative has been raining down like cats and dogs. In honor of this newfound peace, let us all take “paws” in celebration.


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How To Be A Party Animal

Have you ever shown up to a party, only to be surprised that you’re not the center of attention? Do people seem more interested in chatting with their friends then being envious of your awesome party skills? Are you confused as to why no one is crowding around you and chanting, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” when you shotgun a beer?

If you answered, “Yes,” to any of these questions, then chances are you’re looking to become a party animal. If such is the case, then sitting back and waiting for the spotlight to come to you is no way to solve the problem. Kick off that wallflower persona and become the life of the party with these simple techniques:

Wear Sunglasses and a Funny Hat

You can’t show up to a party in a normal, everyday outfit and expect people to think you came to party. Step one: throw on a pair of sunglasses. For best results, these sunglasses should be darkly tinted and incorporate neon colors into the design. Step 2: Throw on a funny hat. Ideally this hat will be a sombrero, but plenty of other options work just as well. Court jester hat, Dr. Seuss hat, one of those Russian fur hats – all of these options instantly tell the other people at a party that you’re a pro at having a good time.

Of course, you can always accent your hat and glasses with other party-wear. For added effect, consider wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, poncho or any shirt from Spencer’s Gifts.

Show Up Drunk

Everyone knows that real party animals don’t wait for the party to start to start partying. Rather, a true party animal parties early and often – which means you should always be drunk before showing up to the party. Not only will this signify how much you love partying, but it will also lower your inhibitions so you can do funny stunts from the moment you arrive. You know, stuff like jumping on the back of a stranger and riding him around like a horsey and pushing girls into the backyard pool. People at parties love that kind of stuff.

Bring a Fart Machine

All the best parties in the world have one thing in common – a fart machine. I mean, seriously, what’s funnier then a fart? Nothing, that’s what. As such, break this bad boy out and you’ll have hours of fun making people think that some dork-linger has a major case of the tummy tubas! For maximum back slaps and high fives, be sure to follow each well-planted fart with a snide comment. The more childish, the better – for example, “Uh oh, someone call 911, Darren’s having a FART attack!” Then sit back and watch the laughs come pouring in.

Get in as Many Photos as Possible

If you want your legendary party status to spread beyond the people who are lucky enough to be at a party with you, then that means you’ve got to get in as many photos as possible. For best results, always keep the person snapping the photos close by. Also, when you pose, be sure to stick out your tongue and flip off the camera. Alternatively, you can also grab your junk or pretend to dry hump the person next to you. Party animals know how to turn even the most boring of party photos into an epic and majorly awkward moment.

Pass Out Somewhere

Party animals don’t go home to sleep after a party – they pass out in a backyard bush or bathroom shower (with the water on). As such, once you’ve successfully impressed the rest of the party with a night of unsuccessful handstands and belligerent singing at the top of your lungs, it’s time to find a nice, conspicuous place to pass out. Of course, I think it goes without saying that you’ll earn extra bonus points for being naked.


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