Mom, How Am I Supposed To Play My Pan Flute Without My Tights?

Okay mom, I’m really trying not to freak out right now, but seriously, you’ve really dropped the ball this time. The washing machine? My tights are in the washing machine? That’s great! That is just great.

Well mom, if that’s the case, then I just have one question to ask you: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY MY PAN FLUTE WITHOUT MY TIGHTS!?

Flute performances and tights are a package deal.

I told you over a week ago that I was going to be playing my pan flute today. And everybody knows that a pan flute performance is NOTHING unless you’re skipping and prancing around in a handsome pair of skin-tight tights!

It’s Jordan‘s birthday party for Christ sake! This pan flute performance was going to be my present to him! You know, he only turns 13 once! And now you’re telling me that he, and everyone else at that go-kart race track, is going to have to sit through a sub-par pan flute performance!?

You screwed me, mom. You screwed me. Because you’ve RUINED Jordan’s birthday party, and you’ve ruined my chances of ever being invited to another one of his birthday parties again. This was the FIRST year he’s ever invited me to his party, and that only happened because his mom MADE HIM DO IT. This was my chance! My one chance to prove to him and all his friends on the sports ball team how cool I was.

But now, they’ll never know, because my tights are currently wadded up in a wet mass and sitting in the washing machine! I can’t wear wet tights to a pan flute performance – not only will it be uncomfortable, but it will drag down my high-stepping frivolity!!

What? Dry them? Why don’t we just dry them? Ha! I laugh at your preposterous proposition. Ha ha ha ha ha! Tights can’t be dried, mom. What are you dense? These tights are MEDIEVAL tights. Fabricated in AUTHENTIC medieval fashion. Which means they are made of 100 percent pure woven cotton.

AND EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T DRY 100 PERCENT PURE WOVEN COTTON!

What are you, stupid? And no, I cannot just pull a different pair of tights out of the tights drawer in my bedroom. Or the tights bucket in my closet. Or the emergency tights box in the garage. The tights in the dryer are my WINTER tights. They are specifically designed for WINTER performances. And in case you haven’t checked the calendar, Jordan’s birthday takes place during WINTER!

No, I can’t wear green tights. I can’t wear red tights. I can’t even wear the rainbow sparkly tights! I need the WHITE tights that are in the dryer because they match my WHITE bloomers, my WHITE cape, and my WHITE Peter Pan hat with the WHITE feather in it!

For Christ sake mom, I’m supposed to be an enchanted winter nymph! I told you this like more than a week ago! God, where is your head, woman? Get with the program!

I can’t face them, mom. I can’t face those disappointed faces when I start giving my pan flute performance and all anybody can focus on is the fact that my winter nymph costume is not historically accurate. They’ll be heartbroken mother, heartbroken.

So here’s what’s going to happen: we’re going to make a mad dash to the medieval costume shop across town, we’re going to grab a new pair of tights, and then we’re going to rush straight over to the go-kart track. Hurry, away with thee, wench! Yon birthday party awaits! I shall notify Jesper via yon cell phone and he shall have my fine linens waiting for me when we enter the store.

Away, mother! Away!

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