Jeff Wysaski
Have you ever shown up to a party, only to be surprised that you’re not the center of attention? Do people seem more interested in chatting with their friends then being envious of your awesome party skills? Are you confused as to why no one is crowding around you and chanting, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” when you shotgun a beer?
If you answered, “Yes,” to any of these questions, then chances are you’re looking to become a party animal. If such is the case, then sitting back and waiting for the spotlight to come to you is no way to solve the problem. Kick off that wallflower persona and become the life of the party with these simple techniques:
Wear Sunglasses and a Funny Hat
You can’t show up to a party in a normal, everyday outfit and expect people to think you came to party. Step one: throw on a pair of sunglasses. For best results, these sunglasses should be darkly tinted and incorporate neon colors into the design. Step 2: Throw on a funny hat. Ideally this hat will be a sombrero, but plenty of other options work just as well. Court jester hat, Dr. Seuss hat, one of those Russian fur hats – all of these options instantly tell the other people at a party that you’re a pro at having a good time.
Of course, you can always accent your hat and glasses with other party-wear. For added effect, consider wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, poncho or any shirt from Spencer’s Gifts.
Show Up Drunk
Everyone knows that real party animals don’t wait for the party to start to start partying. Rather, a true party animal parties early and often – which means you should always be drunk before showing up to the party. Not only will this signify how much you love partying, but it will also lower your inhibitions so you can do funny stunts from the moment you arrive. You know, stuff like jumping on the back of a stranger and riding him around like a horsey and pushing girls into the backyard pool. People at parties love that kind of stuff.
Bring a Fart Machine
All the best parties in the world have one thing in common – a fart machine. I mean, seriously, what’s funnier then a fart? Nothing, that’s what. As such, break this bad boy out and you’ll have hours of fun making people think that some dork-linger has a major case of the tummy tubas! For maximum back slaps and high fives, be sure to follow each well-planted fart with a snide comment. The more childish, the better – for example, “Uh oh, someone call 911, Darren’s having a FART attack!” Then sit back and watch the laughs come pouring in.
Get in as Many Photos as Possible
If you want your legendary party status to spread beyond the people who are lucky enough to be at a party with you, then that means you’ve got to get in as many photos as possible. For best results, always keep the person snapping the photos close by. Also, when you pose, be sure to stick out your tongue and flip off the camera. Alternatively, you can also grab your junk or pretend to dry hump the person next to you. Party animals know how to turn even the most boring of party photos into an epic and majorly awkward moment.
Pass Out Somewhere
Party animals don’t go home to sleep after a party – they pass out in a backyard bush or bathroom shower (with the water on). As such, once you’ve successfully impressed the rest of the party with a night of unsuccessful handstands and belligerent singing at the top of your lungs, it’s time to find a nice, conspicuous place to pass out. Of course, I think it goes without saying that you’ll earn extra bonus points for being naked.
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