Puppies-for-Guns Campaign Brings End to 100-Year Gang War

When Mayor Bloomberg announced his plans to curb gang violence in New York by enacting a “Puppies-for-Guns” campaign last Fall, experts were skeptical that the city’s most notorious gang families in the city would “bite” at the opportunity to trade in illegal pistols and machine guns for adorable Pomeranians and Maltipoos.

However, since to program was enacted, NYPD has reported the collection of more than 120,000 handguns, and a reduction in gang violence by as much as 91 percent.

When asked for comment about the resounding success of the program, Mayor Bloomberg was heard to respond, “Every dog has his day. Today is mine.”

Indeed, Bloomberg has much to wag his own tail about – the Puppies-for-Guns campaign was universally hated by state legislators when suggested over 5 months ago. However, the mayor remained staunch in his efforts to push the “ruff”-erendum through. In a remarkable feat of political lobbying, the Mayor eventually won the necessary votes for his “pet” project by bringing a wicker basket of puppies with bows tied around their necks to the state hearing.

Upon seeing the basket of cute pooches, state officials responded by rolling around and rough housing with the puppies on the congressional floor.

As it seems, a similar heart-warming response successfully rubbed the seedy “underbelly” of the mafia world. Upon trading in a sawed-off shotgun for a snuff-nosed pug, Vinnie “the Chin” Gigante, infamous “top dog” for the Genovese family, was heard to say, “Aww, cutey wutey!”

A few days later, Gigante officially disbanded the 100-year-old Genovese Mafia. In an interview with CNN, Gigante told reporters: “Yeah, I love guns. But I love Butterscotch even more. One look at his wrinkled wittle nose and teenie-weenie paws, and I was sick-as-a-dog in love. You look into the eyes of this pooch and you tell me whether you ever feel like snapping necks or stabbing rats again – it’s impossible I tells ya!”

In relation to gang revenge and retaliation, it would seem the rest of the gang world has also decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Last week, leaders of the Bonanno and Luchese family were seen together in Central Park walking their Boston Terriers, who were wearing matching sweaters.

The Puppies-for-Guns program has clearly “worked like a dog.” However, a few minor negative outcomes have occurred. While murders are down 94 percent, late-night noise complaints related to “barking” are up 270 percent. Allergy attacks are also on the rise, as are reports of face lickings and mailmen uniforms with bite marks taken out of the haunches.

Such minor inconveniences are a small price to pay for the added safety of the city, most citizens agree. Truly, applause for Mayor Bloomberg’s initiative has been raining down like cats and dogs. In honor of this newfound peace, let us all take “paws” in celebration.

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