Blackbeard Gets Fired From the Fire Department

Blackbeard, when we hired you a little over a year ago, I think it was fair to say that us here at the Precinct #83 Fire Department were taking a bit of gamble. Clearly, you had no firefighting experience prior to arriving here. And yet, we decided to hire you anyway because we are a proud sponsor of the Pirate Rehabilitation Program and you showed a lot of promise.

Upon hiring you, we had hoped that your significant experience with high-stress situations and working around water would translate well to the world of firefighting.

Clearly, that is not what happened.

If you need examples of your poor performance, there is no shortage of them. Your commitment to navigating the fire truck via treasure map was an unmitigated disaster. As we’ve told you before, a dotted line with instructions such as “40 paces as the crow flies” just doesn’t translate well to driving a fire truck on the crowded streets of Los Angeles.

While I appreciate your experience with cartography, I must stress that Google Maps would have been a much simpler alternative.

And once at the sight of the fire, we could find no place to put you that proved valuable in our efforts. As a hose man, your hook hand would inevitably puncture the hose and divert much of the water source directly into your thick, filthy beard.

As a ladder man, your job was to help save survivors on upper floors. And while you reached the victims remarkably quickly thanks to your rope swinging techniques, your insistence on removing those trapped by forcing them “off the plank” and out the window by sword-point resulted in many unnecessary injuries.

And as for your time as an interior search and rescue specialist, well, all I can say is that in retrospect a man with two wooden peglegs belongs no where near a flaming building.

Of course, that’s not to say that you didn’t save anyone in your time with the precinct. There was many a time when you carried someone out of the flaming wreckage and helped that individual avoid certain death. And we thank you for that. However, your attempts to immediately bury these survivors as “plundered treasure” was an unfortunate addendum to your rescue tactics.

And it wasn’t just your demeanor during rescue missions. Your peculiar off-duty actions were also wildly unsatisfactory. The constant rum drinking; the endless accordion playing; the cannonball sieges on nearby precincts – all these acts were not only against protocol, but also really, really annoying.

Also, while this didn’t really affect your job performance in any way, your decision to saunter around the firehouse with the precinct Dalmatian perched on your shoulder was especially peculiar, and probably pretty dangerous for the dog.

For these and many other reasons, I am sorry to say that we must let you go from your position here at the firehouse. Please do not attempt to pillage anything on the way out. Your final paycheck will be sent within two weeks via carrier pigeon as per your usual request. Thank you, and good day.


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