You Know What Would Really Jazz Up This Chain Gang? Some Show Tunes

Boy, I tell you fellas, if I’d known the state was going to put me to work digging ditches all day, I never would have killed all those people. This is hard work, I’ll give them that much.

But guys, just because the warden‘s got us out here in the hot August sun, that doesn’t mean we have to walk around like a bunch of gloomy Guses!

You know what would really jazz up this chain gang? Some show tunes! Yeah, think about it – all of us singing in unison about “getting to know you” or how “June is busting out all over” or how “the hills are alive with the sound of music.”

Doesn’t that just sound like a gay old time!?

No? Really? You guys would really rather just sit here in silence and listen to the dull clunks of our shovels hitting dirt for the next 7 hours? Well fine, but I tell you, this day is going to just drag on and on.

Maybe you guys don’t realize that a show tune makes even the most unsavory of tasks go a lot faster. Back when I was murdering people all over town, I used to just dread chopping up the bodies at the end of the day – talk about a tough job! But then, I’d just start whistling a happy tune and dancing around the basement with my chainsaw, and before you knew it that dumb old body was all chopped up and sitting in shoe boxes waiting to be mailed to different people all over the country!

So what you do say? Let’s partner up and do some funky dance moves and give these guards on horseback a show they’ll NEVER forget. I’ll bet you anything they’d love to hear about how “there’s no business like show business!”

NO!? Oh come on, guys! Murderin’ Mike, you can’t honestly tell me you’d rather just stand there complaining about how much the blisters on your hands hurt. Stabbin’ Steve, sure these rocks are heavy, but they’d feel a lot lighter with a swing in our steps and a song in our hearts. Rapey Joe, stop scheming about how you’re going to break out of prison and start breaking into song!

Geez, you guys are even bigger sourpusses than the relatives of all those people I killed. You know, when I started singing “Seventy-Six Trombones” at my sentencing hearing, not even ONE of them joined in. Can you believe that? An infectious song like that?

Whoa! Hey now! There’s no need to throw punches guys! I was just trying to help make the day go faster, but if you’re hell bent on making today as boring as possible, then fine. I’ll stand here in silence and do my work. No skin off my nose.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens! Bright copper kettles and warm woolen…OW! OW! Okay, okay! Forget it.


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