Back-to-School Shopping at the Post-Apocalyptic Wal-Mart

No daddy, I don’t want the black gas mask! Are you crazy? Look how big and bulky it is! Yuck, that is so 2023. In case you haven’t noticed, skinny is in! Do you really want all the kids in the safety zone to make fun of me?

Yes, you’re right – the skinny gas masks filter less noxious fumes then the big, gigantic ugly ones. So what? Sure, there’s a small chance I might die a slow, painful death if too much chlorine gas finds its way through the town‘s makeshift filtration system, but I’ll die a heck of a lot faster from EMBARRASSMENT if I have to wear that other one in front of all my friends.

Now let’s see, do they have one of these camouflage skinnies in a small? I hope so, because I am not about to go with flat gray. Madison bought a flat gray skinny last weekend, and I would just die if we both showed up to a food scavenging party in the same mask!

Plus, the camo one just goes better with my green Geiger counter.

No daddy, I do not think the skinny one is too revealing! Geez, – I’m 14 years old now. I should be able to show a little cheek every once in a while without getting the third-degree from my totally uncool father. You know, just because I live under that metal tin roof you cobbled together from old soup cans, that doesn’t mean you get to treat me like a child for the rest of my life.

Oh daddy, look – here are the zombie crossbows! I need one of those for my Combat Survival class. This big one looks nice. Plus, it costs the most gallons of gasoline, which means it’s the best. I’ll just go ahead and put it in the cart.

Oh, come on daddy – we have to get this one! This is the EXACT same weapon that all the celebrities use to kill their zombies. Celebrities like Steve Walker, the first guy in our camp to learn how to make fire, and Valerie Trombley, the lady who tells all those funny zombie jokes. Oh my God, they’re both so cool!

Sweet – thank you, daddy! I know buying this crossbow means you’ll have to put in extra hours at the oxygen plant, but isn’t it worth it just to make your little princess happy!?

I mean, I know you can’t see my face under this gas mask, but trust me daddy, I am just grinning from ear to ear.

Okay, great – my outfit for the first day of school is finally complete. Let’s head on over to the school supplies aisle. I still need flint, an emergency reflective blanket, brain worm repellent and a 12-pack of map pencils. God, this is going to be such a fun year!


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