How to be Selfish

While most people won’t admit it, being selfish can actually be an incredibly useful and worthwhile character trait. Look at some of the world’s most selfish people – movie stars, dictators, Kanye West – and you’ll find that they have more money, public influence and brightly colored sunglasses then all those chumps who feel the need to be “fair.”

If you’ve been wanting more in life, then it’s time to drop that Good Samaritan attitude and start taking a more lucrative “me first” approach to life. For those yearning to become more self-centered and egocentric, keep the following tips in mind:

this kid has it all figured out

Think Like a Child

Some people will tell you that being selfish is a childish approach to life. As it turns out, these unimportant people are actually right for once. Young children benefit from a stunted level of mental development that allows them to live life from a naïve and self-indulgent point of view. Completely devoid of such pesky feelings as empathy and guilt, children are deluded into thinking they are the most important person in the world. This is exactly the mindset that you are looking for.

If you’re lucky, you had parents who spoiled you rotten and never taught you the meaning of sharing. If not, then you’ll have to find a way to revert back to this more childish and healthier state of thinking. Ways to drown out that pesky adult conscious of yours include not thinking about the consequences of your actions, getting famous and drinking lots of alcohol.

Make Good Use of Defense Mechanisms

Selfish people are not popular people. As such, if you want to be a good narcissist, then you’ll have to make good use of defense mechanisms to keep yourself from feeling lonely or depressed. Perhaps the best of these defense mechanisms is denial. No matter how many lonely nights you spend at home, constantly telling yourself, “I have friends,” can do much to trick yourself into being happy. To help in this delusion, try to get a bunch of strangers, acquaintances and old high school classmates to be your friend on Facebook. Or, if you’re rich, pay people to hang out with you.

Beyond denial, delusions of grandeur can also be helpful. If you’ve alienated all your friends, simply tell yourself, “they’re not good enough for me anyways.” Another important phrase to familiarize yourself with is, “oh, they’re just jealous.”

Don’t Call Anyone By Their Real Names

Call someone by his real name, and you run the risk of seeing him as a human being. Smart egocentrics know that other people aren’t people – they’re things. This is the right frame of mind to be in because, think about it, would you feel bad about stealing money from a lamp? Or cutting the wages of a bunch of chairs so you can get a bigger Christmas bonus? Or pushing a child-sized mannequin in a puddle so you can get into your Rolls Royce without getting your leather boots wet?

No, you wouldn’t. Which is why, when talking with other people, you should get their attention by saying, “Hey you.” Or possibly, “Hey lamp.”


If you like this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

You May Also Like: