Piggyback Rides Replace Cigarettes as New Prison Currency

Piggyback rides have replaced cigarettes as the preferred type of currency in the San Quentin Correctional Facility in Marin County, California, according to prison officials.

The move comes largely due to decreased demand for cigarettes within the borders of the prison walls. Just as the larger society is trending towards healthier lifestyle choices, so too are our nation’s most dangerous inmates. This desire to improve personal habits has dramatically reduced the amount of cigarette smokers at San Quentin.

Struggling to find a new product that is more in demand than tobacco, inmates quickly settled on piggyback rides. The idea – which was proposed by three-time murderer and current inmate Rocko Colton – was initially met with resistance by the majority of the prisoners at the maximum-security facility.

One free piggyback ride around the yard was all it took to change their minds, however.

In response to this inaugural piggyback ride, inmate Walter Smalls best summed up the majority viewpoint of the entire criminal population when he said, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”

According to prison officials, piggyback rides have proven a remarkably good alternative to cigarettes. As one correctional officer puts it, “they’re readily available, enjoyable and addictive – everything a cigarette is without the death.” And, as Mr. Colton adds, “Just plain mother fucking fun.”

The success of the change has brought about numerous other “health-conscious” prison changes. For example, whereas inmates once handed out stabbings and other forms of violence to show their disapproval for enemy behavior, the new technique is to simply hand out pieces of paper with big frowny faces drawn on them.

According to inmates, the new tactic eliminates unhealthy blood loss while still “getting the point across.”

Additionally, instead of doing illicit drugs, inmates have gotten hooked on tickle fights – which are obviously just as intoxicating without any of the nasty side effects.

Based on anonymous sources, the average tickle fight has a current street value of three-minutes of piggyback rides. For the really good shit, however, the “pony” needs to throw in some extra neighing and trotting sounds.


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