A Lazy Worker's Guide to Looking Productive

Are you tired of getting dirty looks from co-workers every time you walk into the office after a 3-hour lunch break? Has your boss caught you napping at your desk one too many times? Are you sick of all those “unanswered 911 calls” at the phone operating center being blamed on you? If so, then you are likely a lazy worker.

There’s nothing wrong with being a lazy worker. In fact, studies show that laziness reduces stress and helps improve long-term health. So how do you go about pleasing all those hard workers before they drop dead from a heart attack without actually doing any work? Easy! Just follow these simple steps:

Shuffle a Bunch of Papers

Shuffling papers around on your desk is a simple way to look like you are busy without actually having to turn your brain on. For best results, repeatedly drop a pile of disheveled papers against your desk like you are trying to get them all to line up in a nice, even stack. If you’re good at it, you can probably get away with shuffling the same stack of papers for a good eight hours without raising any suspicions.

Tip: Help pass the time by reading the front page of your paper pile as you shuffle. Recommended reading for a lazy person includes the Sunday comic strip, jokes about hippies and a picture of a naked girl.

Take Off Your Glasses and Pinch the Bridge of Your Nose

One of the many downsides of exerting effort is the increased risk for headache. Busy people are always feeling the side effects of stress. As such, make it a habit to routinely remove your glasses, squint your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose. Other good ways to feign stress include:

  • Massage your temples
  • Repeatedly pull on your necktie to loosen it
  • Drink from a bottle of Pepto-Bismol
  • Dab “sweat” from your brow

Yell “Sell! Sell! Sell!” Repeatedly Into the Phone

Busy people are always buying and selling stocks. As such, the next time your boss catches you staring blankly at your cubicle wall, quickly pick up the phone and start yelling, “Sell!” repeatedly into the receiver. Doing so will not only help him realize you’re a shrewd business person, but will also get him to run into his own office in a panic to start selling his own stocks. With him off your back, you’re free to go back to what really matters – staring blankly at that cubicle wall.

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