Hi, this is Oreius from accounting. You may not remember me, but we met last month at the quarterly corporate budget meeting. I was the one with the red tie, long wavy hair and goatee (also, I had the torso of a human and the legs of a horse).
Anyway, I know I must have looked like a fool when I got up to give my presentation on the depreciated value of our corporate assets, because I kept stumbling over my words and sweating profusely. At the time – I’m sure you remember – I blamed my poor performance on the Centaurian Flu. However, the truth is that I had no such disease, but rather I was distracted by your immeasurable beauty.
Believe me, Sue, I have tried to put you out of my mind. Over the past month, however, my love for you has only grown fonder. Recently, I have found myself making any excuse possible to trot by your desk. And I have begun taking my lunch breaks in the park, so that I may sit and eat my carrots while I watch you read your romance novels from the park bench.
You have no idea how many times I have dreamt of asking you out on a date. However, I had no idea how to approach a woman of such beauty. I even got so desperate as to write a bunch of lame pickup lines. For example:
- Your stable or mine?
- Saddle up, baby – I’m taking you out
- Do you like me? Yay or Naaaaaay?
Yes, I know they are silly, but hopefully they were so bad that you are now sitting and laughing at your desk – emitting that delightful little chortle that has become music to my ears.
Now Sue, I certainly understand why you might object to dating me – inter-office relationships are not allowed. However, it is as if my heart has blinders on. Therefore, I must ask, would it be possible to take you out for a night on the town sometime?
I’d be delighted to pick you up in my me-drawn carriage and whisk you off to a romantic dinner.
So what do you say, Sue? Would you like to go out with me? To give you a better idea of who I am, here are some of my interests:
- Taking long trots on the beach
- Jumping over low obstacles
- Swatting flies with my tail
If you would like to give a shy, down-to-earth centaur a chance, then please respond to this letter and let me know.
Waiting with unbridled enthusiasm,
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