Jeff Wysaski
Here are some more finely crafted jokes from the folks over on Twitter…
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) December 6, 2014
https://twitter.com/rowdybowden/status/479065596051476480
https://twitter.com/karate_horse/status/536680963729027072
https://twitter.com/vornietom/status/466477364428668928
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*— matt (@dogfather) November 27, 2014
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what's upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 22, 2014
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work
— Sofiya Alexandra @westsidecomedy Sat Nov 16 10pm (@TheSofiya) October 8, 2013
[taking tour of hell]
devil: careful, the floor is lava
me: technically it's magma. you see lava is–
devil: yep no surprise u ended up here— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) October 14, 2014
https://twitter.com/TheThomason/status/533080973706268672
The photo holder in my wallet is full of all the money I've saved from not having kids.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) August 5, 2014
https://twitter.com/trumpetcake/status/539121913792974849
Sometimes I think I'm cool and then I remember I was one of those roller backpack kids
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 19, 2014
https://twitter.com/johntoconnor/status/458370602387374080
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'VE COMPLETED LIFE!
YOU PLAYED AS: white male
CHOOSE ONE:
A) PLAY TUTORIAL AGAIN
B) TRY A HARDER SETTING— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) October 29, 2014