23 Ruthless ‘Politely-Worded Curses’

If you ever find yourself in a situation where using an actual curse word is impossible, then these safe-for-work alternatives just might serve as viable substitutes. [via chive]

38 responses to 23 Ruthless ‘Politely-Worded Curses’

      1. You really don’t know the difference between them ? Let me make it clear for you.
        YOU’RE too dumb for that piece of blob in YOUR head to be called a brain.

  1. These only need to be translated into Yiddish in order to be perfect. All curses are just that little bit better in Yiddish.

    Compare: Vaksn zolstu vi a tsibele: mitn kop in drerd!
    Vs: May you grow like an onion: with your head in the ground!

    The first one is kind of awesome. The English version is kind of lame. Now, imagine if you add the Yiddish awesomeness to THESE curses, and you’ll have it absolutely right.

    Traditional curses, like, “May you be a person of leisure, able to take a nap every afternoon. And may the lice in your shirt marry the bedbugs in your bed, and may their children all move into your underwear” — they still WORK, but, yeah. THESE are good.

  2. Using Google Translate to prove my point:
    May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers. — good.
    Zal deyn finf yor alt khabr hobn a fidl lektsye beshas ale fun deyn khangovuers — GREAT.

    C’mon. Just say “khabr hobn a fidl letskye”. You’ll feel better.

  3. May the floor always squeak when everyone else is asleep.

    May you realize your phone is across the room after getting settled comfortably.

    May you have to pee just as you are drifting off to sleep.

    May you hit only red lights when you are running late.

    May you stain your new shirt.

    May your videos always buffer.

  4. There’s some great Irish insults that I’ve heard: like May you melt off the earth like snow from the ditch. May the road rise up to meet you. May your spade never dig, may your sow never pig. etc.

    1. “May the road rise up to meet you” is a blessing, not a curse.
      May the road rise up to meet you
      May the wind always be at your back
      May the sun shine warm upon your face,
      the rains fall soft upon your fields,
      and until we meet again
      may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

  5. May you never find your pencil until long after you needed it.
    May every great idea you have be right before you fall asleep, so you forget it in the morning.
    May you always fail to see the word “diet” on every box of soda you buy.
    May you always find that nasty little bit of gristle in your chicken nuggets.
    May your bare feet find every lego, wet spot and mysterious mushy mass on the floor when you get up at night.
    May you never catch the spelling mistake in your e-mail until after you send it.
    May you remember every hilarious thing you’ve ever seen or heard when in the middle of a serious discussion.
    May every spider you see vanish when you turn around to grab a shoe to kill it with.
    May every burger you order without onions have onions.
    May the condom you carry in your wallet always disappear when you need it.
    May every woman you drunkenly lie with turn out to be a man come the morning.

  6. May your phone hit the ground while getting out of your car because you forgot you had it on your lap.

    May you forget to grab more toilet paper before sitting down and talking a poop.

  7. I thought the page was serious, because I seriously need one.

    Turns out nothing more than an attempt to be funny.

    I was looking for something that makes the receiver red hot and cold and choke in his own shame, … but cannot be flagged as rudeness.

    … too much to ask, it seems.

  8. May you live in a thousand rooms and wake up in each one dead.
    May you have a thousand itches in your armpits.
    May you have a child JUST LIKE YOU when you grow up!
    May all your teeth rot and fall out.
    May you have the luck of Midas, the gift of Pandora, and the looks of Medusa.
    Your breath could sink a thousand ships.

  9. May your dogs always start barking furiously the instant you finally get through to a human after sitting on eternal hold.

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