Hope you’re ready for some hilarious tweets. Stop and take a moment to prepare yourself.
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
[murderer comes out from my closet] ok dude that is ur 3rd burrito today, ur making me sick
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 25, 2016
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) August 23, 2015
Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) April 13, 2016
The one upside to the bees disappearing is that the sex talk just got cut in half. "Son, let me tell you about the birds and… more birds."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 9, 2016
Everyone in the '80s looked at least 35.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 25, 2016
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know.
— Just Jason (@longwall26) August 29, 2013
We can't be friends if you don't at least occasionally try to move things with your mind, just to check.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 20, 2014
Did you know you can turn Tylenol into Tylenol Back Pain just by adding the words "Back Pain"? The secret ingredient is words.
— Jason Berlin (@JasonBerlin) November 30, 2012
The reason there are no dog astronauts is because space is a vacuum.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 28, 2014
There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) February 22, 2015
[at Indian restaurant]
"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Oh no thanks, I'm full"
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) April 29, 2016
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i'm not a genie. i'm a person like you. i just look really weird
— stay dead jon snow (@jon_snow_420) June 19, 2014
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) September 13, 2015
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
— brent (@murrman5) December 15, 2014