Plug your eyeballs into this list of electric tweets.
Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) July 29, 2013
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) October 15, 2013
When you shave for the first time in months. pic.twitter.com/FkhhFrqHw3
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) January 8, 2016
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I'm pretty sure I'm 98% living room.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) August 17, 2015
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) June 13, 2015
If you don't want me to show up to your wedding in pajamas then you might want to rethink using the words "evening wear."
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) June 30, 2016
As you explain your opinion, I slowly pull the drawstrings on your hoodie until your face is completely covered, then leave without a word.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 19, 2015
It's insane that in the horse riding events they give the medals to the humans
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) August 12, 2016
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 23, 2015
"Is the Book Report any good?"
"How's it prepared?"
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
"Ooh, I'll have that."
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 17, 2016
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like
"MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"
— joe (@sad_tree) August 18, 2014
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don't w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
— Chad Kroeber (@ChadKroeber) August 17, 2015
Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) May 4, 2015