Mike
I hope you have a wonderful day. These tweets will help.
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/580099011283038208
https://twitter.com/kashanacauley/status/834075828896034817
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
— mustard clown (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
https://twitter.com/SomeChrisTweets/status/646206380198658052
https://twitter.com/rachelle_mandik/status/801060134143332352
I solve math problems with violence.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) March 19, 2016
Aries: An eccentric billionaire will hunt you for sport, but the joke's on him because you're slow and easy to kill.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) February 23, 2017
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT— ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest (@flashember) November 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/dorsalstream/status/720362026464362496
ME: [drinking a nice tall glass of cold milk]
SKELETON: [from inside me] Ahhhhhhhh.
— penjamin is now @ghostdraculas (@upsidedowntrash) February 15, 2017
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
— demiurge moore (@online_shawn) August 2, 2014
"I set all the cattle free."
– Reverse Cowgirl
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 13, 2015
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) February 5, 2017
[pets your baby] Was it a rescue?
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 14, 2015
https://twitter.com/Diversion50/status/528639711464927232