16 Hilarious Police Blotter Excerpts

If all police work were this amusing I’d sign right up. [via 22words]



21 responses to 16 Hilarious Police Blotter Excerpts

    1. A peanut is only suspicious if it is capable of rational thought. Suspicious means you harbor suspicions.

      The adjective you, and 2.99 million other Americans really mean, is “suspect”.

      1. Suspicious – adjective 1.tending to cause or excite suspicion; questionable: (suspicious behavior.)

        Fuck out of here with your fallacious pedantry.

  1. The squirrel one reminds me of an earthquake Oregon had in the early 90’s. A news crew interviewed a homeless man at a park who told them that the squirrels were going crazy.

  2. The “students of unspecified gender from unspecified school with unspecified injuries, police didn’t say” one sounds like something Lemony Snicket would’ve written.

  3. I wish I had thought to keep the clipping at the time, but I swear to God that a number of years ago, the local police blotter for the suburban “twin cities” of Tonawanda and North Tonawanda, NY included an entry saying that police had responded to reports of a “suspicious black man.”

    Small towns (and mid-sized cities with a small town mentality) are just carnivals of ill-founded suspicions. During the year I lived in Boise, ID I was stopped by the police on at least two occasions. Once, I was walking with girlfriend after dark and a cruiser rolled up next to us because the officer suspected that we might be teenagers. Apparently there’s was a curfew that simply barred people under the age of 18 from walking lone after sunset, which I, being from urban/sub-urban areas of the northeast, just can’t wrap my head around.

    On another occasion, a jogger called the police on me because he suspected I had been trying to steal mail. I checked the mailbox in front of my apartment as I leaving on foot, and I made eye contact with him as he passed. This apparently led him to conclude that I was opening a random mailboxes and rooting around in them, so a few minutes later a police officer stopped me and asked me to confirm my address.

  4. It seems my plot to take over the local dog population has been discovered. I must flee the county and start anew. Perhaps this time with squirrels. Yesss.

  5. Canadians out for an evening stroll = the perfect cover! Let me grab my flashlight and case to the neighborhood.

    1. Officer: Freeze and put your hands up!

      Me: Sore-y, aboot that, eh. We had some late night poutine and decided to walk it off, hoping we might come across a Tim Hortons.

      Officer: Carry on.

      Me: (phew, that was easy)

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