18 Funny and Useless Fortune Cookies

In retrospect, looking for advice in a cookie wasn’t a strong starting point. [via smosh]



28 responses to 18 Funny and Useless Fortune Cookies

  1. Speaking of ominous fortune cookies, I got one once that read “ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU CAN.” I spent the next month waiting for the implied loooming calamity to befall me…

    1. I once got a fortune cookie that read, “NEVER TRUST SOMEONE THAT ADDS EXTRA O’S TO WORDS”. The “in bed” part was implied and not expressly written.

  2. My daughter got a cookie a few years ago that said, “The fortune you seek is in another cookie”. She showed it to the waitress who gave her a new cookie.

  3. My mom got a fortune cookie with just a blank strip of paper right before boarding a plane. She said it was the most ominous thing she’d every experienced.

  4. I know someone who once got one that said “Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity”

  5. Everyone knows the “in bed” game with fortune cookies.

    Two (and arguably better) alternatives are:

    – add “except in bed” to the end of each fortune (shout out to XKCD)
    – add “, Master Wayne” to the end of each fortune and read it like Michael Caine

    1. “With safeword and limits agreed upon beforehand” is also a good one, albeit a riff on the “in bed” theme.

  6. Every time my dad opens a fortune cookie, he tells us that his fortune is, “Help! I’m being held captive in a fortune cookie factory!” Every. Fucking. Time. For more than 30 years.

  7. My sister once got one that said “You are not paranoid. We ARE all out to get you.”

    To be fair, it was a funky place that baked their own fortune cookies and wrote their own fortunes, so it wasn’t factory-mass-market generated.

    … come to think of it — that makes it worse, doesn’t it?

  8. I once got one that read, “The best love…is self-love.” I don’t think they meant masturbation but I can’t be sure. I had it taped to my monitor at work for years.

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