Like Billy Joel says, “Only the good die young.” If you’d like to be one of these people, then there are plenty of things you can do to decrease your lifespan. Below are ten things that have been found to reduce life expectancy.
No, that’s not a typo…studies show booze prolongs lifespan. FYI: Follow all these tips and you’ll supposedly shed a full 74 years off your expiration date.
This poor Twitter user certainly seems to have some bad luck. Keep reading to see a bunch of “last tweets” from the guy who is perpetually moments from death. BTW, if there’s enough interest, I might keep this going. So follow @AboutToDie_Guy if you want to see more.
Death isn’t typically a a topic primed for humor, but as these tombstones prove, that isn’t always the case:
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Today is a day that we all take time to remember the fallen heroes of yesteryear. While most of the focus is rightly put on the brave soldiers that fought for our country, there is also an unsung group of heroes that many neglect to stop and remember. Of course, I am talking about robots. To help you all remember the cherished robots, androids and cyborgs in your life, here are six gravestones of famous robots:
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Charlie, I know you had a special bond with your horse and everything, but stuffing him and putting him on display in the middle of our living room is not the right way to honor his life. I put up with this decision of yours for the past few weeks because I knew you were mourning, but honestly, the thing has to go.
Why? Because it’s creepy and weird, Charlie, that’s why. I swear, I can’t even watch TV anymore because every time I sit down in that room all I can think about is how that horse is staring at me with those bright, beady eyes. I really have no idea why you decided to color the eyes red, but it makes the darn thing look demonic.
And I’ll be honest, ever since you brought that stuffed horse home, I’ve been too embarrassed to invite anyone over to the house. Because every time I do, the first thing you do is ask them if they want to see your dead horse.
First of all, do you even really have to put it that way? “Dead horse?” It’s unsettling.
Second of all, the fact that you insist that all visitors help you wash down the horse with a soapy sponge before sitting down to dinner is more than a little awkward. I don’t know if you realized, but the Petersons barely ate any of my homemade fajitas when they came over to visit. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they lost their appetites because of the whole washing the horse thing.
Or maybe it was the fact that you wheeled the horse into the dining room and sat on it for the duration of the meal. Even if the Petersons were able to look past the fact that you were dressed in an Emperor Napoleon costume and eating your fajitas with a sword, there’s no way they could ignore the fact that you kept trying to feed bell peppers and refried beans to the horse.
I’m sorry, Charlie, but that night with the Petersons was the last straw. You need to get over this death and move on with your life. Because, seriously, I’m getting pretty sick and tired of you asking me to get down underneath the horse every five seconds so you can remind me how “well hung” your horse was. Yes Charlie, your horse had a big penis. Big deal! All horses have big penises. It’s not impressive and I don’t know why you think it is.
So get this horse out of my living room, and get it out of my bed at night so I can finally sleep in peace. Wouldn’t you rather snuggle with your wife under the sheets at night then that stupid horse? I guess not, because he’s been your “little spoon” for the past three weeks straight.
Look, bury it, sell it, burn it – I don’t care. Just find a way to say goodbye to your horse so we can get on with our lives. Because honestly, it’s either me or the horse, and I’m pretty sure that…hey wait, where do you think you’re going? Get down from that horse and get back here! Don’t you dare wheel out that front door. Charlie? CHARLIE!!
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Kids, come here – we have some bad news for you. You remember how last year your mother and I made the decision to take your dog, Muffin, out to that farm in the country so he could have more room to run and play? Yeah, well yesterday we also decided to take grandpa up there and drop him off.
Now, I know you’re going to miss your grandpa a whole bunch, but you have to realize that he’s in a better place now. I mean, you know we loved grandpa with all our hearts, but it just wasn’t fair for us to keep him cooped up in that small basement downstairs all day while we were at work and you were at school. That’s just not how grandpas should live. You saw how sad he was when you would leave for school – just staring at you with those big sad eyes as you walked down to the school bus.
That’s why he’ll be much happier running around and rolling in the big, open meadows all day on this great farm we found upstate.
And you two saw how much grandpa loved squirrels, right? He’d sit in that chair by the window for hours just looking out into the backyard with that goofy old smile of his – and every time he spotted a squirrel, boy, would he just go nuts. Well, now instead of being stuck inside without the ability to open the sliding glass door because of his arthritis, he can actually be out there on that farm shuffling after those squirrels in his house slippers!
No, Billy, I’m sorry but we can’t go visit him. But don’t worry, because there are lots of other old folks out there to keep him company. You should have seen the way they all ran out to greet us when we arrived. They shuffled alongside the car as we drove up the dirt path, and as soon as we got out, they all crowded around him before going off to play in the cornfields. He looked so happy!
Oh, and you should have met the nice family that owns the farm. You know how grandpa is usually very skeptical of strangers who are younger than him? Well, he just took to this family right away!
Of course, no family could replace the one that grandpa has right here, but this family will treat him real nice – I just know it. Trust me, they’ll give him lots of attention and treats every day, and if he’s really good I bet they’ll even rub rash cream on his tummy for him. Plus, out there in the country, they have a channel that is all Matlock and Murder, She Wrote re-runs – and you know how much grandpa loves those old mystery shows.
Oh my, and you should have seen the toy room they had set up. You walk in, and there are crossword puzzles as far as the eye can see. Grandpa picked one up off the floor and started playing with it right away like it was his.
The room also had lots of old, boring black-and-white movies with really bad special effects. And on one side of the room, they’ve got one long rack filled with nothing but cardigan sweaters. Grandpa will never have to worry about complaining about it being drafty again.
Also, in one corner of the room was the biggest button collection you’ve ever seen! And above that, a big old sign that said, “It’s a grandpa’s life.”
Boy, I wish you guys could have seen his face when we dropped him off. But like I said, we’re not allowed to visit him there, on account of the farm rules. But don’t worry, because that doesn’t mean we’ll never see him again. When mommy and daddy get older, we’ll go away and live on that farm too.
And eventually, so will you. Although, I’ll be honest, I hope you don’t get to go there for a long, long time. Even if it is just about the most amazing place you’ve ever seen.
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