How to Relive Your Awkward Teen Years

If only you had a time machine!

Do you remember a time in your life when your math homework was the biggest concern in your life? Are you sick of the responsibilities of earning a paycheck and paying your bills? Have you ever wanted to relive your days of youth, even if just for a day?

If so, then chances are you’re looking to relive your awkward teen years. Sure these bumbling, gawky years of existence had a few downsides, but all in all it was a great time of discovery, growth and independence in your life. If you want to enjoy these bygone days of yesteryear, then simply follow these easy steps:

Shave Your Chest Hair

Remember how exciting it was to see those first few sprouts of body hair growing on your chest? Well, that feeling of “becoming a man” (or woman) can be all yours again with a few strokes of a razor. With a smooth chest, armpits and “other” regions, you’ll truly feel like a kid all over again. Then, as the hair starts to grow back, you can proudly march around your home and swimming pool with your shirt off to show everyone how mature you are becoming.

Get Braces for Your Teeth

No accessory is more associated with the awkward teen years than braces. Cover those pearly white teeth of yours with a mouth full of metal, and you’ll instantly be transported back to a simpler time. Not only will you look younger, but you’ll also FEEL younger thanks to the constant barrage of insults thrown at you by co-workers, family and friends. It’s been a long time since you’ve been made fun of for your appearance, hasn’t it? Well with those retorts of “brace face” and “metal mouth” being shot at you from friends and co-workers, you’ll feel like you’re back in 8th-grade gym class all over again!

Wear a New Kids on the Block T-Shirt

Reliving your awkward years isn’t just about a hairless body and a mouth full of crooked teeth. It’s also about awkward fashion choices. To dress the part of an awkward teen, consider pulling your favorite under-sized concert t-shirt out of your memorabilia box. Other good fashion options might include:

Get Boners All the Time (and for No Reason)

Remember when it took nothing more than a few bumps in the road to give you an embarrassing erection? While going back to those exciting first years of sexual discovery is never going to happen, you can relive those enjoyable days of puberty by getting boners all the time and for no reason whatsoever (ladies, feel free to skip this step). For added enjoyment, refuse to get out of your chair the next time the boss asks you to come up and give your PowerPoint presentation.


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A Viking's Guide to Pillaging

Whether you’re looking for a full-time job or just a fun way to spend some of your free time on the weekends, pillaging can be a great way to both relieve stress and earn a few extra gold coins while you’re at it. However, if the idea of running into a nearby village screaming like a maniac and setting fire to everything in sight makes you nervous, then you may need a few tips on how to get started.

Get over your nerves and start pillaging with the best of them with these simple tips:

Don’t Call Ahead to Tell the Village You’re Coming

The common courtesies of society have likely gotten you in the habit of calling ahead when you plan on visiting someone else’s house. However, while showing up unannounced may be frowned upon by friends and neighbors, all politeness should be thrown out the window when it comes to ransacking a village.

Why? Because giving villagers warning of your arrival gives them time to gather swords, shields and flaming arrows. And, as you’ll soon discover, getting struck with a flaming arrow greatly diminishes your ability to cut the heads off enemies and stuff valuable antiques into your giant burlap sack.

Run Into Town Like a Maniac

Walking into town like a civilized person doesn’t do much to strike fear into those you’re about to strong arm-into giving you all their possessions (plus, it’s just plain boring). As such, it is recommended you run into town screaming like a crazy person. For added effect, bring a big wooden club, sharpened stick or other type of makeshift weaponry with you so you can brandish it with reckless abandon. Also, for a nice added touch, put Alka-Seltzer under your tongue so it looks like your foaming at the mouth.

Bring Some Friends

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “If I bring friends with me, then that means I have to share the spoils of my pillage.” While this is true, it’s important to realize that there is strength in numbers. After all, if just one crazy person runs into a village brandishing a mace and screaming like a maniac, it’s not going to be long before he gets shot with a flaming arrow or two. In contrast, bringing along a bunch of friends helps create chaos and even the odds against all those able-bodied men in the village.

Plus, let’s not forget that it’s also just plain more fun to share your hobbies with your friends.

Get Really, Really Drunk

While stealing things can certainly be fun while sober, watching the huddled masses of villagers looking on with tears streaming down their faces can be a little bit of a downer. To numb the pain that comes with maiming someone’s father or taking someone’s wife as your own, it may be helpful to drink your fair share of mead before you run into the city.

Bonus! Alcohol helps slow your body’s internal systems, which may help slow blood loss in the event sword wound.

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