I’m Sorry, But I’d Rather Not be Your Spirit Animal

Dear Thunder Cloud,

Hi, it’s me, the White Lion. First off, let me just say how nice it was to meet with you last week during your spirit walk. I know you could have picked any animal in the kingdom to be your life’s guide. So when your spiritual essence found its way into my mystic cave, I can say with great truth that I was very flattered.

Having said that, I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline your kind invitation to be your spirit animal. Please don’t take my decision personally – you are clearly a very qualified human with many desirable traits. It’s just that, at this time, I think it would be best if I kept my options open and held out for a human that better fit my own needs and wants.

You see, upon visiting with you, as well as further observing your life via the Great Heavens, I am forced to question how good of a fit our relationship would be.

As you know, lions symbolize courage, power and leadership. You, in contrast, are quiet, timid and hardly in line to become one of the great leaders of your tribe. I mean, during last night’s campfire story, you openly weeped when the tribal ancestor finally found his true love and lived happily ever after.

I hate to break it to you, but lions do not weep.

Which leads me to believe that there is a better match out there for both of us. If you like, I would be happy to pass your name along to some alternative animals that may be better suited to your meek will and shy nature. For example, I know both the Baby Chicken and Sea Barnacle have been looking for a human for quite some time. Also, the Tree Moss.

Again, please don’t take this personally. It’s just that I don’t think it would be prudent of me, the Great White Lion, to just agree to guide the first human candidate that walks into my cave. Unless, maybe that human was Great Mountain – if ever there was a human that embodied the pride and ferocity of a lion, he would be it.

I mean, just look at Great Mountain – broad shoulders, a thick “mane” of black hair, the first-born son of the chief – now there’s a human a lion could take home to his mother. Yep, he’s no third-rate son of a teepee maker, that’s for sure.

Speaking of which, I hear Great Mountain’s spirit walk is next week. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to give him a bit of a push in my direction, would you? I mean, he’ll probably find his way here on his own…it’s just, I know he’s also shown strong signs of loyalty and cunning, and I’d hate for him to end up with the Wise Fox.

Anyway, I’m sorry for having to decline…but hey, what say if some miracle happens and Great Mountain ends up not choosing me, then maybe I’ll reconsider. You could be my safety human, how’s that sound?

Still, I’m not making any promises, but if no one comes along in the next few weeks maybe we can work something out. Again, thanks for thinking of me and I’ll be sure to pass your name on to the Barnacle.

Best of Luck,

White Lion


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The Next Great Cosmetic Procedure is Here: Shrunken Heads!

Has anyone ever told you that your giant head makes you look like a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Are you tired of looking clumsy every time you hit that big cranium of yours on the top of a doorframe? Do you cringe every time your friends ask you to go hat shopping?

Studies show that 14 percent of all people are self-conscious about the size of their heads. For these poor, freakish people, every day is a battle against ridicule, embarrassment and the inability to wear a helmet while rollerblading.

This could be YOU!!
This could be YOU!!

UNTIL NOW! That’s right, finally there is a safe and effective way to reduce your head size and regain your confidence.

SHRUNKEN HEADS! That’s right, at the Terry Birch Center for Cosmetic Surgery, we now offer our customers the life-changing opportunity to SHRINK THEIR HEADS!

No longer is this procedure reserved for the indigenous Indian tribes of the Amazon Rainforest!

Be aware that our head shrinking process is NOT cosmetic surgery. Absolutely no blades or incisions are made to reduce the size of your head. Rather, our cranial resizing expert (Dr. Waka Laka –senior witch doctor of the Jivaroan Indian Tribe) uses a pain-free method built upon 20 years of experience in the art of Black Magik!

Can you imagine just waltzing into a store and finding a hat that fits you perfectly? Or not having to worry about stretching out the necks of your t-shirts and turtlenecks every time you pull them over your large, bulbous, ungodly sized head?

Freedom awaits you at the Terry Birch Center for Cosmetic Surgery in Agoura Hills, California. This procedure is PERFECT for anyone unsatisfied with the size of their head. Past clients include:

Our shrunken head procedure is an out-patient procedure that only takes about an hour to perform. The procedure begins by covering your head in a thick, wet paste of magical herbs, tree moss and the crushed ashes of Dr. Waka Laka’s fallen enemies. You will then be asked to hop around on the ground like a tree frog while Dr. Waka Laka recites the ceremonial incantation. Once the Frog God, Umbongo, has been appeased, the paste will begin to glow and your head will slowly shrink by SEVERAL inches!

Within minutes, you’ll be out there in the world doing things you never thought a “big head” like yourself could ever enjoy. Ride a motorcycle! Bob your head to music! Even play tennis!

What are you waiting for? Slim down! Instantly drop inches from the circumference of your head! Shrink your problems down to size and say goodbye to that freak head of yours for good! Contact the Terry Birch Center of Cosmetic Surgery for your FREE CONSULTATION!


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