A Calculator’s Pickup Line (IMAGE)
Hey, even calculators are looking for love. And if that math whiz wants to touch the upside-down 5318008 of his gal pal, well then he better put on the charm…
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Tag Archives: math
A New Breed of Number Crunchers (PIC)
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X + Y = Awesome
Math is not only important, it can be fun too – especially if you cut out all those stupid numbers. Don’t believe me? Well, then check out these fun word additions and subtractions to see for yourself:
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How To Pick Your Lucky Number
Having a lucky number is crucial to happy living. I mean, without a lucky number, how can you ever expect to win the lottery? Or choose a winning horse at the track? Or know how many times you have to spin in a circle to keep the demons away before you can leave the house each day?
Most life experts will agree that your lucky number should act as the primary guiding principle in your daily life. And while most of us can answer with certainty what our lucky number is (mine is 1,412), some of us are walking through life aimlessly choosing random numbers on the roulette wheel and chewing each bite of food a random number of times.*
There is a name for these types of people: losers. People without a lucky number can pretty much expect to never win anything. And for those of you who have a lucky number, but haven’t won the lottery yet, well I’ve got news for you: you’ve chosen the wrong number. So how can you be a winner in life and pinpoint the lucky number that was pre-chosen for you by the gods themselves at the dawn of human existence? Here are some ways to find out:
Look at your date of birth: For many people, their date of birth is their lucky number. For example, if your birthday happens to be April 2, 1982 (4-2-82), then your lucky number might be 4, 2 or 42. However, if you find that this is not the case, then the most likely reason is that your parents have been lying to you about the actual date of your birth for all these years. Why would they do this? Maybe they resent you for ruining their free-wheeling, non-baby lifestyle – who knows? Whatever the case, they didn’t want you to be able to figure out your lucky number. Thanks to them, you’ll have to do a little extra work.
Look at the clock: Do you find that you frequently look at the clock at the same time each day? Seeing the same time everyday – particularly times of repeated numbers (2:22, 4:44, 11:11) – is a good sign that your lucky number is calling out to you. Oftentimes, you will start to notice this number popping up other places as well, such as paychecks, calculators or numbered lists of things.
Win the lottery: I know, I know. The main reason you want to know your lucky number is so you CAN win the lottery, but bear with me here. Even people who don’t know their lucky number win the lottery on occasion. How is this possible? Because they ACCIDENTALLY put their lucky number in the final slot of the lotto ticket. So if you happen to win the lottery, then you can bet dollars to donuts that that final number is your lucky number!
Ask the gods (yes gods, not God – sorry Christians): Since the gods are the ones who bestowed your lucky number upon you, simply asking them can be a straightforward solution to your problem. Of course, this means you will have to summit Mt. Olympus and trick the gatekeeper (the goddess, Seasons) into thinking you are a god. So if you are not an experienced mountain climber, or can’t fake a convincing British accent, then this may not be the choice for you.
Ask me: If all other methods prove ineffective, or you simply want to validate your suspected lucky number, then you can just ask me. For a nominal fee ($1,412) I will use my psychic powers to transcend my soul to Zeus’ throne and ask our ruling god of creation what your lucky number is on your behalf.
*That’s right, I chew my food 1,412 times. It may take forever, but guess what? I’ve never had stomach cancer (not even once!).
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There’s No Need To Argue
You guys! Come on, what are we doing here? We’ve been yelling at each other like a bunch of Christian Bales on a PCP bender for the past 20 minutes now!
Look, obviously our opinions are just too divisive on this hot-button issue. I could sit here and yell about the numerous reasons that Blaise Pascal is hands-down the greatest mathematician of all-time, but you guys are just way too gay for Charles Babbage to ever listen. And vice versa.
So we could sit here and yell at each other until we’re blue in the face – and from the looks of it Kevin is already there – but arguing isn’t gonna solve anything. Seriously, we’re not a bunch of cavemen. This is the 21st century, for Christ sakes. And in today’s modern world there’s a much easier way for civil, intelligent men like us to solve an argument – A KNIFE FIGHT!
Seriously guys, think about it. Why bother trying to get to the heart of the matter by screaming at the top of our lungs when one well-placed knife thrust can easily get the “point” across in a matter of milliseconds!?
And let’s face it, slicing at each other with a couple of 12-inch hunting knives is a heck of a lot more fun than sitting on a bunch of chaise lounges and trading verbal insults!
But, listen to me. Yakking on and on like some schmuck whose talking to a bunch of people who have never been in a knife fight before. Look, this is obviously familiar territory for all of us. We all know the sheer joy and exhilaration of puncturing an opponent’s lung cavity and watching him gasp for air as the life from his eyes slowly fades.
So what am I doing still talking? Let’s have a knife fight!
Okay, standard rules apply, which means we’re playing old school style – one-on-one single-elimination tournament. Two men enter the circle of chalk, only one man leaves. Whoever wins it all gets bragging rights. Whoever is still alive on the losing team has to clean up the blood and give the winners a 20-minute Shiatsu back massage (whether they’re dead or not).
Any knife is fair game, so long as the blade is 12 inches long or less. I’m guessing Jimmy’s sticking to his faithful 5-inch butterfly. And it looks like Reginald is packing his mixed martial arts throwing knives. Saul, what you got? A 6-inch Indo-Tibetan Kilaya!! Uh oh! Watch out fellas, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that bad boy has been blessed by a Buddhist monk!
Ooh. I’m shaking! I’m shaking! Ha – just kidding Saul. Geez, save the murderous looks for the ring, alright? We’re all friends here.
I tell ya, we all may love knives, but we all have a different favorite, that’s for sure! And I gotta say, that’s what makes for a SUPER FUN knife fight – DIVERSITY!
All right guys. Let’s do this. Everyone on my team, remember, we’re fighting for the honor of the great Blaise Pascal, none other than the FATHER OF PROBABILITY THEORY himself. So let’s not hold anything back, okay? One. Two. Three. KNIFE FIGHT!!!
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