Tag Archives: science

Maslow's Hierarchy of Internet Needs (IMAGE)

Posted on July 14, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Maslow’s classic hierarchy of needs has now been updated and adapted for the Internet age:


——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Images | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

The Periodic Table Of Meat (IMAGE)

Posted on July 12, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Scientists have long referred to meat as “the building blocks of delicious meals.” In an effort to catalog the world’s most popular (and unpopular) types of meat into an informative and easy-to-reference tabular form, I give you the Periodic Table of Meat (click image to enlarge):

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Images | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

The Christian Cyborg’s Fund

Posted on February 10, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Everyday, more than 27,000 innocent cyborgs power down due to such factors as lack of electricity, owner neglect and preventable software viruses. Poverty and over-production have left these cyborgs homeless, hungry for a power source and without the proper laser weaponry to adequately defend themselves.

Sponsor a cyborg. Save a life.

Unit HFC-242 is one of these unfortunate cyborgs. This little sentient knows a lot of things. It knows its metal joints are squeaking with rust. It knows its Windows 95 software is long obsolete. And it knows the buzzsaw attachment it needs to properly attack humans so it can feed off their life force and stay properly charged is well beyond its economical means.

But there’s something Unit HFC-242 doesn’t know. It doesn’t know that hope is possible. It doesn’t know that somewhere, halfway across the globe, there is someone with a big enough heart who is willing to help. It doesn’t know you.

For as little as 80 cents a day – the price of a few nuts and bolts – you can help save a cyborg like Unit HFC-242.

By sponsoring one of these technologically advanced life forms, you can be confident in knowing that you are making a difference – because with the Christian Cyborg’s Fund, so much of your money goes exactly where it needs to – directly to the cyborgs.

Every month, your money goes to help pay for such necessities as Norton Antivirus, lubricating oil, maintenance from robotics engineers and lifelike skin grafts that allow your cyborg to blend into human society and refill its power source by attacking unsuspecting victims at close range.

Don’t wait another moment. Pick up the phone and call now for more information. We’ll send you a photo and information on a cyborg that needs your help. When you decide to sponsor a cyborg, we’ll continue to keep you up to date on its progress.

Over the months, you’ll receive personal thank-you notes from your sponsored cyborg so you can learn how your money is making a difference. View updated photos and watch with pride as your cyborg upgrades from a small, puny pile of metal into a massive, hulking beast of pure death and destruction. And learn about your cyborg’s hopes and dreams of one day traveling to America so it can meet you and personally crush your bones and feed off your electrical brain energy.

Go ahead – pick up the phone. And help give a second chance to little Unit HFC-242. Or CXXD-76R. Or Murderbot Jr.

Pick up the phone and call now for a photo of a cyborg in need. One look into those two menacing LED lights that kind of look like eyes, and you’ll know what to do.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mad Scientist Career Outlook Profile

Posted on January 28, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Mad scientists apply the principles of science and mathematics in an attempt to bring a myriad of evil, self-promoting schemes to fruition. While the ultimate goal of a mad scientist may be world domination, other, lesser career aspirations may include exacting revenge on a perceived antagonist, re-animating corpses and tricking a girl into falling in love with him.

Job duties of a mad scientist may include:

  • Setting up and maintaining laboratory equipment
  • Monitoring experiments
  • Robbing graves
  • Kidnapping live human specimens
  • Controlling the weather
  • Attaching lasers to sharks or bears
  • Standing over colored, bubbling test tubes and laughing maniacally

The majority of mad scientists work indoors in laboratory settings. Due to the inherent secrecy of the profession, most labs are found in rural or remote areas. Locations that boast the largest populations of mad scientists include underground lairs deep below the earth’s surface, the interior cavity of active volcanoes, and hollowed-out chambers within the four presidential heads of the Mt. Rushmore monument.

While post-secondary education is not a requirement for employment within the field, a master’s or doctoral degree is often beneficial for the purposes of understanding the complexities of such advanced topics as human biology, germ warfare and skin-melting chemical compounds. College graduates also benefit from the opportunity to be over-shadowed by the scientific pursuits of a more good-natured and humanitarian student, which studies have shown is a key factor in achieving success in the field.

Beyond formal education, a considerable amount of real-world experience is also suggested for the aspiring mad scientist. Extracurricular activities that may improve job prospects include losing touch with reality, learning to work with and around chloroform-soaked rags and physically enlarging his or her brain through the use of radioactive materials or other means.

Personality traits that may be beneficial for mad scientists include dementia, lack of social skills, callousness towards the emotions of others, megalomania and the ability to multitask.

Potential work hazards for the professional mad scientist are unusually high in comparison to other professions, and include everything from accidental poisoning and incineration to being assaulted by a mob of villagers carrying torches or foiled by a suave government agent right after detailing his or her entire plot for world domination.

Recent advancements in the fields of cloning, mind control and ray gun technology suggest that overall job prospects for mad scientists will grow much faster than the average of all U.S. professions. In fact, by the year 2015, experts project that an evil cadre of mad scientists will supplant themselves as global leaders of the human race through the use of subliminal hypnosis and heat-ray vision.

Earning potential for these industry leaders is estimated to be $3,500,000,000,000 annually.

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Time Travel Device Does Not Impress Me

Posted on October 29, 2009 by Jeff Wysaski

Gentleman of the engineering department, I applaud all the hard work and long hours you’ve put into building this time travel device. After 14 long months, BioInnoGenFutureAdvanTech Inc. (BIGFAT), has succeeded in our mission to build the first viable, in-home time travel device.

science-fiction-machine-2This technology works flawlessly – easily transporting individuals from one point in time and space to another (and back again). Furthermore, your precision ensures that time placement is accurate right down to both the second and the centimeter.

Having said that, ARE YOU GUYS FREAKING SERIOUS!? This is the best you could do? You actually think I can sell this pile of junk to the American public? I mean, sure, I could sell a white fur coat to a bunny rabbit, and I even found a way to sell all those Bear Attack Simulators you guys came up with last fall, but this? THIS!?

Yes, technologically the thing works fine. I instantly zipped right back to 1992, bought a 2-liter of Crystal Pepsi from Eckerd Drug  with my pre-Sacagewea silver dollar, and zipped right back here with no lost limbs or other ill side effects. But when it comes to doing things right, that’s ALL this product has going for it.

No, I’m afraid the abysmal design of this product is far too horrendous. For one, it looks nothing like the time machine devices you see in the movies. It’s a box. A simple metal box with a time dial on the front. BORING.

People don’t want big, clunky boxes sitting in their guest rooms or garages! They want a sleek, sexy TIME MACHINE! Where are the whirring gizmos? Where are the flashing lights? Where is the steam-powered engine!?

Also, there’s no cup holder. I mean, sure, it only took 0.01 milliseconds to reach my time destination, but during that brief moment, my hand was incredibly cold from holding my Crystal Pepsi!

People want cup holders – especially women. Did you know that number of cup holders is more important to a female car shopper than total number of horsepower!? Of course you didn’t. You’re just a bunch of eggheads who know how to bend the laws of space and time.

Well I’ll tell you something: all the physics and advanced calculus in the world couldn’t save this piece of trash from being a marketable consumer product.

I couldn’t even give these things away. Which, I’m told we could probably do because the technology is so ridiculously inexpensive, we could install them for free in people’s homes and still make money off the patent rights.

I’m sorry. No. Shut it down – pull the plug. I’m afraid the only thing left to do is to burn the design plans and bash this overgrown paperweight in with a couple of Louisville Sluggers. Maybe at least we can recoup some of our losses by stripping this box and selling it for scrap metal.

Here are your bats – get to it. And when you’re done, go ahead and get to work on that gas-powered unicycle I dreamt about last night. It’ll work because it’s my idea – and I like my ideas because I am the BIGFAT CEO and I know what I’m talking about. Trust me, the gas-icycle is going to change the way the world travels. So start building.

And guys, this time, DON’T FORGET THE FREAKING CUP HOLDER!

——

If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment