How to be Reincarnated as a Shark

Have you ever looked into the mirror and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish I had a couple extra rows of razor-sharp teeth.” If so, then chances are you’re looking to abandon that pasty, uber wussy body of yours and exchange it for the streamlined outer shell of a super awesome killer shark.

As the eloquent William Shakespeare* once put it, “in all this earthly realm, thine great shark of the sea is by far our Lord’s most gnarliest and badass animal.” If you’re looking to transcend your totally lame human body and be reborn as a vicious, murderous king of the sea, then keep these tips in mind to increase your chances of being reborn as a shark:

Don’t be a Christian

Being a Christian means going to heaven and being stuck in that miserable non-cartilaged body of yours for all eternity. Unless you want to spend your afterlife sitting on clouds and plucking harps with the angels (lame), then it’s time to trade up to a religion that makes reincarnation a viable option. The most common shark-friendly religions are Buddhism, Hinduism and Sikhism. Pick the one that sounds the coolest to you and go with it.

Understand the Importance of Karma

Just because you convert to a religion that believes in reincarnation, that doesn’t mean you’ll be reborn as a shark. As it turns out, your soul can be transplanted into any number of worldly creatures.

So how do you avoid being turned into a stupid, non-deadly creature like a butterfly, bunny rabbit or tit mouse? The answer, my friend, is karma. No matter which new religion you choose, your rebirth is based on how you lived your life. Do good deeds and treat others with care and it is said you will achieve a higher form of being. And I think we all can agree that the highest form of being is a giant great white killer shark.

Die With a Peaceful Mind

According to Buddhism, those who die with a peaceful mind will experience a fortunate rebirth. In contrast, those who die with malice, anger or unrest in their hearts will receive an unfortunate rebirth (dung beetle). As such, it seems you’re going to have to play Boy Scout in this current lifetime of yours and save all those murderous rampages and blood-drenched ocean tides for your next life as a shark.

Eat a Few Shark Burgers

As the old saying goes, “you are what you eat.” While eating shark meat isn’t mentioned in any of the religious texts associated with reincarnation, some Native Americans did believe that eating the flesh of an animal allows you to take on their associated characteristics. As such, eating a couple shark burgers every now and again might give your soul the necessary jumpstart to spur shark growth in the afterlife.

*It is widely believed that Shakespeare is now roaming the deep seas of the world as an awesome shark. Besides Shark-speare, other notable historical figures who are now sharks include Charles Darwin, Mahatma Ghandi and Patsy Cline.


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Health Alert: Hugging Sharks May Result in Lost Limbs, Death

Thanks to their “tough guy” appearance, substantial size, and cute, adorable flippers, sharks have long been considered one of the most “huggable” animals of the sea. Indeed, who among us hasn’t ever thought about wrapping our arms around the warm, inviting cartilage of a Great White shark after a bad day at work or unsuccessful treasure hunt at the bottom of the sea?

shark hugBut could those shark hugs be causing more damage than good? Potentially. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of California-Riverside suggests that hugging sharks may be hazardous to your health.

In the study, participants were dropped into the Pacific Ocean and asked to embrace a shark for a “full 90 seconds.” Surprisingly, 99 percent of the participants reported serious side effects following their hugs. These side effects included long, jagged flesh wounds, lost limbs and, in severe cases, even death.

In order to entice the sharks into showing up and receiving their hugs, scientists asked each participant in the group to wear a warm, fuzzy sweater. Also, a necklace composed of bloody fish chum.

To eliminate bias and provide a point for comparison, a control group of participants was asked to hug a stuffed placebo shark located in the break room of the UC-Riverside science lab. In sharp contrast, only one participant in this group was injured, and even that was chalked up to external variables (he slipped on a grape).

In order to verify the results of the experiment, the research team repeated the study several times over. Each time, the results were similarly dismal.

Now that the team has identified a potential link between shark hugs and health risks, the next step is to figure out the actual root cause. Of the many possibilities identified by the team, Dr. Pete Talborn, lead researcher for the study, has a “sneaking suspicion” that it “has something to do with radioactive plutonium injected into the sharks by communist Russia.”

Other potential, though less likely causes suggested by the team include flesh-eating bacteria, alien mind control, and “poisonous jellyfish disguised in shark costumes.”

Until further research is conducted, experts suggest that people refrain from hugging any and all types of sharks. However, they do note that the study only tested full-on two-armed hugs. As such, side hugs and one-armed lean-in hugs may not be harmful.


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