Jeff Wysaski
I bought a magic carpet last week. Prior to investing in my purchase, I asked my friends for advice on how to get the most for my money. To my surprise, none of them had ever bought a magical flying carpet (apparently most are acquired through family hand-me-downs or genie enslavement).
In any event, I am overall pleased with my magic carpet, but I can’t help but think the salesman took advantage of my inexperience. In an effort to educate those who are still using regular, non-magical floor decor to get around, here are some tips for buying a flying magical carpet:
Shop around. There are lots of places that sell carpets, from small retailers like Uncle Pete’s Persian Palace to big chain retailers like Linens ‘N Things (they’re in the ‘N Things department). Personally, I bought mine out of the trunk of an old Toyota Tercel. The point is, keep your eyes peeled for bargains.
Don’t fall for slick advertising. We’ve all seen the commercials for the Rude Dawg Xtreme Carpet Machine (now with extra magic). Rude Dawg claims the high price tag helps you “Shred the Thread,” but my salesman told me that – besides the graphic of the tiger playing the guitar – these upscale models aren’t any different from less expensive options. My off-brand carpet has an odd red stain and reeks of the East River, but so what? As long as it flies who cares, right?
Speaking of which, always test fly your carpet before you buy, especially if it’s used. Water damage, skyway collisions, excessive heat and ogre curses can all reduce the potency of the pixie dust over time. As such, there’s no excuse for buying a magic carpet without kicking the fringe and taking it airborne first. Unless, of course, you happen upon the carpet during a full moon. Like my salesman said, “only a fool would fly a carpet while the fibers are realigning to the gravitational pull of the new lunar cycle.”
Don’t be afraid to ask for discounts. Salesmen don’t like losing a sale and will often come down on the price if you ask nicely. For example, I never would have known about the Howl-at-the-Moon full moon special if I hadn’t asked about the dealer’s current promotions.
Don’t immediately write off upgrade equipment as unnecessary. After I got my carpet home, I was really kicking myself for not investing in the optional safety package. That helmet would have really been nice during my inaugural run, when my carpet stalled and I fell headfirst off my roof and onto the driveway below.
Authenticate your happy thought. No matter how much you love bunny rabbits, you should by no means assume that bunny rabbits are the happy thought that propels your magic carpet. Keep in mind that finding a compatible happy though may take longer than expected. I have yet to find mine.