Jeff Wysaski
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you beekeeping is one of the coolest, sexiest hobbies around. When beekeeping is done right, you’ll end up with a hobby that is both fun and profitable. And when it is done really right, you’ll also end up with a swarm of obedient bees that will dutifully assist you in your quest for world domination.
If the thought of living in a honeycomb castle and watching your enemies writhe in pain as they are enveloped by a sea of black and yellow intrigues you, then read on to learn how to become a beekeeper:
Step 1:
Obtain your bees. Most newcombers simply buy their bees from another beekeeper. However, be warned that the price of bees can be very expensive, as beekeepers don’t like the idea of splitting their future kingdoms with rival hive owners. Instead, it is suggested that you steal your bee minions from a beekeeper in the dead of night. Not only is this free, but it also weakens the defenses of those who will eventually try to oppose you.
Step 2:
Buy a bee suit (or steal it). Remember, it will take some time to earn the trust of the bees. In the meantime, you’ll need a bee suit to ward off the free thinkers of the hive. Don’t worry, once the bees are completely under your spell you will be able to discard your bee suit and replace it with an actual suit of bees.
Step 3:
Capture the queen bee. Acquiring the pheromones of the queen bee is the key to earning the undying trust of the hive. To exploit the queen bee’s scent, you must first find her. This can be done by placing a false advertisement in the newspaper claiming a “Half-Off Sale” at Ross Dress For Less. When the queen sees this ad (which you have used to line the bottom of the hive), her feminine instinct to shop will drive her to the nearest Ross discount outlet. Of course, you’ll be waiting there with glass jar in hand, ready to pounce as soon as she arrives.
Step 4:
Purchase your headwear. Now that you have the queen, you need a hat to put her in. That way, when you wear the hat it will smell like the queen and the hive will be fooled into thinking you are their leader. It is suggested that you choose headwear that will match your eventual evil mastermind costume. Good options include a top hat, king’s crown and dunce cap. IMPORTANT: your hat MUST include metals that are attracted to magnets.
Step 5:
Train your bees. Now that you have the swarm’s attention, you must train them to follow your commands. Since bees don’t speak English, you will have to use telepathy. Hopefully, you have purchased an enchanted hat that allows your thoughts to be magically transmitted to your hordes of buzzing minions. If not, perhaps you could learn sign language or something.
Step 6:
Test the loyalty of your hive. To ensure your hive’s devotion has been properly cemented, it is time to put their skills to the test. Start with a small caper such as stealing the world’s largest emerald from a local museum. If the bees succeed in acquiring the item, great! If, however, they bungle the caper (or worse, report your plans to the authorities), return to Step 5 and repeat it. Also, consider buying a new hat.
Step 7:
Assume your alter ego. Now that you and your bees are ready to take over the world, all that’s left to do is to come up with a cool identity so you can start wreaking havoc. First, choose your costume. Should you be a wizard? Southern dandy? Evil mastermind with an enlarged, exposed brain? The choice is yours.*
Last, but not least, it’s time to think of a name that is both catchy and relevant. Good examples include The Honeycomb Kid, Sorcerer Sting, Professor Buzz! and Miss Bee-Haven.** Identity complete, the world is now yours for the taking. “Bee” safe and good luck.
*Note: a swamp monster covered in powerful magnets is already taken.
**The Magnetic Swarm is in use.