Jeff Wysaski
Dear Red,
You really surprised me at dinner last night. The waiter assured me you wouldn’t show, but then I cut into my steak and there you were! I appreciate the gesture, but showing up unannounced is just plain rude in my book. Next time, please call ahead and we can go somewhere where your presence won’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. Like a strawberry patch or the scene of a murder. Also, you owe me for the mozzarella sticks.
Dear Brown,
Why do you live in my butt? My nose says that place smells like donkey balls. I’m not sure why he put it like that, but it probably has something to do with the donkey balls I hid down there.
Dear Pink,
Why do people put a ribbon of you on their shirts after they have breast cancer? I think it might be because they don’t have breasts anymore and the ribbon is supposed to distract me from noticing. If so, you should try harder because it’s not working.
Dear Yellow,
You used to be my favorite color. If you wanted to stay that way you shouldn’t have slept with my girlfriend.
Dear Green,
You gave it a good try, but give it a rest with the fruits already. Your apples are way too tart and your bananas just plain suck. Leave it to the pros like red and yellow. Oh and the kiwi? Nice try, but it doesn’t taste anything like the bird it was named after (not even close). You’ve got the vegetable market cornered. Can’t that be enough?
Dear Purple,
You always bring back fond memories. Like when I went shopping with my mom for the first time at the mall and she bought that really pretty dress right out of the window. Then dad saw it and used his hands to turn her face into a shade of you that I’d never seen before. It didn’t really match the orange hue of the dress, but fashion was never my dad’s thing anyway.
Dear Indigo,
Or should I say, “Purple.” That’s right, I know. We all know. Turn yourself in before someone takes the law into their own hands.
Dear Orange,
No, I will not give you my Chem 301 term paper. You knew Syracuse would be hard when you got in. Suck it up. P.S. Jonesy says Cinnabon IS hiring!
Dear Chartreuse,
I’ve heard so much about you, yet I haven’t the foggiest idea what you look like. Do you like bowling? If so, let’s “strike” up a game when you have some “spare” time, you old “turkey.” I’ll bring the laughs if you bring the brews!