Jeff Wysaski
Despite the overwhelming evidence of Bigfoot, Yeti and Sasquatch, many skeptics continue to deny the existence of this shy and intelligent creature. Well, Mr. Scientist, I just have one question for you: If Bigfoot doesn’t exist, then how come WE ALL KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!?
Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to move on to the real question: If Bigfoot exists, and is indeed so big, then why are a bunch of shaky video clips the best evidence we have of its existence?
The question largely answers itself. Bigfoot is HUGE – estimated to weigh well over 500 lbs. The movements of such a massive beast undoubtedly cause the ground to literally shake beneath its feet. Which begs yet another question: have you ever tried to use a camera during an earthquake? Because that’s exactly what trying to film a Bigfoot is like! After a few seconds of that Richter scale, it’s no wonder the footage comes to an abrupt and unfocused stop.
Incidentally, this is why if you ever view a video that is suspiciously stable, you should immediately discount it as a HOAX!
So obviously, the Bigfoot has adapted a highly effective mechanism for avoiding the Paparazzi, which makes it more evolved then any “human” celebrity (though that’s not saying much).
If we can’t film or photograph the majestic Bigfoot, then how do we go about catching one? We don’t. The Bigfoot is just too intelligent to ever fall for any of our feeble attempts to capture it. Snare traps, wooden cages, catapults – these are simple traps built for catching simple animals. And Bigfoot is no simple animal.
Simply put, everyone needs to go ahead and stop looking for Bigfoot…and start looking for ways to bring Bigfoot to us!
After years of trying to connect with Bigfoot, it should be painfully obvious that the Bigfoot wants nothing to do with us. And why should he? Look at the way he is portrayed in newspapers, the movies and everywhere else? If I were him, I’d be more than reluctant to come down out of the woods, too.
As such, the goal of cryptozoologists should be to take steps that make the non-wooded world more Bigfoot-friendly. By doing so, the Bigfoot will eventually leave the safety of nature to explore the welcoming urban jungle below. Potential ways to entice the Bigfoot out of their hiding places include:
-Expanding retail store hours so they are “nocturnal friendly”
-Carrying larger shoe sizes at athletic stores
-Embracing the beauty of facial hair (you too, ladies)
-Increasing the availability of certain foods (i.e. wild berries and deer carcasses)
-Installing larger seating in airplanes
With these and other initiatives, the existence of Bigfoot will eventually be proven once and for all. Our mighty missing link will eventually filter down into the human world and become a loveable addition to our society. And if we’re really, really lucky, he’ll bring the unicorn with him.