Jeff Wysaski
Legend has it that, upon the deathbed of the heirless king, the Great Hero will rise up from obscurity to ascend the throne and unite the kingdom. My king, I come to inform you that this Great Hero stands before you. Yes, it is I.
How do I know I am, indeed, the chosen one? I am sure you will not argue that a prophesized birth is the first of many indications of the Great Hero.
Then do not gasp when I tell you that the prophecy of my birth was foreseen by as many as 9 whole months! Yes, indeed by my parents, who are not even known to be mystics!
Your highness, by now I am sure you are wondering why I am without trousers. Well, legend also has it that the Great Hero’s body will be marked by the holy insignia of The Order. As my upper thigh plainly indicates, I have such an insignia.
What? Drawn with pen? Well, yes this is true. But I assure you, this drawing is the product of a mindless doodle. I had no knowledge of personally drawing the image until the insignia was complete – a certain indication that my pen was guided by the Hands of Fate themselves!
I understand why you are skeptical – the fate of your kingdom lies in your blessing. But you will not be skeptical after I tell you this – legend has it that only the Great Hero can ascend Mt. Krillon and return with the legendary Sword of Virtue. Well, my king, I climbed that mountain this very day, and I hold before you that very sword!
Yes, I agree. The sword, indeed, looks much like the steak knives found in the royal banquet hall. But as I am the palace dishwasher, you cannot doubt my knowledge of thou royal cutlery. And from this knowledge, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this is no simple steak knife. See that nick in the handle there? Ask any blacksmith and they shall tell you this is irrefutable proof that this sword is ENCHANTED!
What? No, sire. Pardon my boldness, but you do not have time to validate my statement by fetching yon blacksmith. You are but minutes from leaving our great world. Sire, I implore you to hand over your kingdom to me, young Phineas Swindle before it is too late.
Guards!? No, you’re making a mistake! Unhand me! I am to be KING! Please, I’m so sick of washing dishes!! I am destined for greatness, I tell you! DESTINED FOR GREATNESS…