I’d Like To Build You A Boat

It happened in a flash. I knocked on the door, not sure what to expect. A moment later, the lock clicked open, the door swung inward, and there you were – all dressed up with nowhere to go. “Hello,” I said nervously. “The rat’s nest is in the chimney,” you replied angelically.

And though I may just be an exterminator, a singular thought struck me in that instant. It is a thought that I’ve never had before, yet one that I’ve never been so sure of: this girl NEEDS a boat.

boat-girlI see you own a Toyota Venza. A fine car for sure, but a woman of such beauty should not be confined to a vehicle that only allows her to traverse the 30 percent of earth that is covered by land. She deserves the lavish and carefree life of a proud boat owner – cruising the vast open seas at 30 knots while the warm sea breeze flows through her amber brown hair.

Clearly, your beauty is so unique and unmatched, that no ordinary boat will do. Indeed, I could search every boat catalog – from SeaArk to Overton’s – and still not find a boat that matches you in both beauty and prestige. In that first glimpse, I knew this instantly. And in that same instant, I wanted to hold you in my arms and whisper, “I’d like to build you a boat.”

But lo, I restrained myself. For certainly, a woman such as yourself receives countless offers to enjoy the ownership of a custom-built boat each year. I’m sure you have heard it all before: “the boat I’d build you would have a tapered fiat nose, hydrofoil support, center-pod rounded tunnel and stepped swim platform with sunpad.”

Certainly, it sounded both exotic and enchanting the first one or two times you heard it. But judging from the non-existent trailer hitch on your Toyota Venza, it is clear that those previous men had neither the chivalry nor the persistence to deliver on their promises.

And so, it is with great regret that I will hold my tongue, and not sing out that I’d like to build you a boat. Instead, I will simply expunge this rat’s nest from your chimney, clean the feces from the grating and patiently wait the 6 months until your bi-annual preventative infestation appointment.

And once those 6 months are up, oh how I will soar as that yellow-painted door opens wide once more to reveal your sweet visage. Because this time, I will not be armed with a simple canister of arsenic. No, this time I will also hold in my hands the keys to your very own, custom-built catamaran with azimuth thruster and pod-mounted propellers. And from that day onward, I wish you only days filled with sunshine, bikinis and FREEDOM. Because that’s what you deserve.

And maybe, just maybe, as you cruise the open waters of nearby Cuyamaca Lake, I will be there too, sipping a cold brew and smiling – not because of the kick ass custom-built boat, but because the most beautiful girl in the world is by my side.


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