Thoughts About Furniture

There are three things I always look for in a chair: comfort, style and a big sack of gold hidden inside the stuffing of the seat cushion.

There’s nothing fun about moving a new couch up to a third floor apartment. Unless you put blindfolds on the movers and call out fake directions so they run into walls and stuff.

I think my footstool is just about the best invention of all time. Because it may just be a glorified block of wood, but after a long day at the office, nothing beats the relaxation I feel after sitting down, taking a deep breath, and throwing that little guy through a plate-glass window.

If you like the boring, old-fashioned look and feel of a solid wood dining table, I just have one thing to say to you: you’re eating your food off of the decaying carcass of an oak tree, you sicko.

If you want to make guests comfortable when they come over to visit, buy a reclining chair. If you want to make guests uncomfortable when they come over to visit, walk around naked and talk about how “Hitler wasn’t all bad.”

I think furniture stores should stop using those annoying, low-budget commercials to fight for my business. They should use harpoons and knives instead.

Once again, she asked me if we should try moving the couch to the other side of the room, and once again I refused. For one, my back was killing me. For two, if we moved that couch away from the TV, it would expose my secret underground tunnel to the center of the earth…and NO ONE MUST KNOW!


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