Jeff Wysaski
Hello, and welcome to beautiful Wichita Falls! What brings you to our fine city? Stopped for a bite on your way to Dallas did you? I see. So then, I take it you like traffic and pollution and sex with prostitutes? No? Well then, my friend, you would be much better served just spending your vacation right her in beautiful Wichita Falls!
When it comes to vacations, us locals like to call Wichita Falls the “Total Package.” I mean, where else can you view an EXACT REPLICA of the world famous Liberty Bell? That’s right, why drive all the way to Filthadelphia when we have a perfectly good fake version right here, literally steps from this very diner!?
And that’s not all! We have museums and landmarks aplenty! Have you heard of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall? You know, the one that lists every soldier’s name who died in Vietnam? Yes, well there is one in Washington Feces, but that sucker is huge. It would take, like, a whole day to read all the names on that one. That’s why you’ve got to check out our very own Wichita Falls Vietnam Wall Memorial! It’ll only take you a few seconds to read all the names on that little guy. Talk about convenient!!
Not a fan of history? Then how about art? All around town you can marvel at the more than 6 full-sized fiberglass horses that have been uniquely painted by local artists!! We call it our Mane Event. That’s spelled M-A-N-E. Get it? What? No sir, it’s nothing like Chicago’s Cows on Parade. I told you, we used horses. Not cows!
Pfft. Chicago. More like Chica-don’t-go. Am I right!?
No wait! Don’t leave! Did you know that in Wichita Falls, you can water your lawn whenever you want (between the hours of 6 p.m. and 11 a.m.)!? Yeah, I know you don’t live here, but still – you gotta admit that’s a pretty good chunk of the day!
Fine, go. See if I care. Have fun in Phallus – I mean Dallas. But don’t come crawling back to me when you get there, only to find out there’s way too many things to do and there’s absolutely no way you’re gonna have time to fit it all in before it’s time to leave!
Did you know Dallas has more restaurants per capita than any other city!? Yeah, good luck picking out just one place to eat from the 2,666 options!! Wichita Falls only has 179! No? Fine.
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