Dudes, My New Bike Is Totally KILLER

Hey chumps, how’s it hanging? Loosey Goosey, I’m sure! What’s up with me you say? The reading on my ugly meter, for one – because that bad boy has been SPIKING OFF THE CHARTS ever since I pedaled on over here!! Nah, just kidding.

Jealous? Yeah you are.
Jealous? Yeah you are.

Speaking of pedaled, check out my new bike. Yeah, it’s killer, for sure. Here, I’ll hop off and give you d-bags a better view. No, your eyes do not deceive you, that is, in fact, a Pikachu graphic with lightning bolt accents shooting up the bike chain safety guard.  That’s right, bet you never thought you’d see an AUTHENTIC Pokemon BMX up close and personal. Well, bow down before me, because this is your lucky day!

I know what you’re thinking: “wait a sec, isn’t that bike a limited edish? How did good ol’ Grant get his hands on that KILLER bike?” Well, I don’t mean to brag, but I just sauntered right on in to Wal-Mart and wheeled it right on out. Manager had it waiting for me over in Returns & Exchanges – VIP style. Yep, I’m just that big of a bad ass. Plus, my gramps totally rocks the customer service desk, so when some jerkwad couldn’t handle this beast of a machine and returned it, guess who was on speed dial to come pick it up?

…whoa there, Jeremy, I know it’s a KILLER bike, but seriously dude, stop the ogling! You’re acting like it’s Cliff’s mom or something!! Ha, just kidding.

But seriously, Cliff, your mom is hot.

And so is this bike! You want the grand tour? Fine. But after that, you’ve got to promise to stop yammering on and on about how killer my bike is.

Up here we’ve got the vulcanized rubber handle grips. Have you ever touched clouds? Because that’s what it feels like. Going uphill? No problem because right here we got one, two, three whole gears to choose from. Down here we got a super padded seat pad with triple stitching for heavy-duty protection. Have you ever sat on a cloud? Because that’s what it feels like.

Kickstand? Killer. Built-in pedal reflectors? Serial killer. Rear back pegs? J. Dahmer.

I’m telling you, this bike MURDERS from head to toe. Have you ever seen one of these suckers go flying off a dirt ramp!? Me either, but you can tell just from the way it looks that it would totally tear that ramp to shreds! I’m telling you, what the Son of Sam did to late-night smoochers in their cars, this Pokemon bike would do to the dirt on that ramp!!

What’s that? The size? Yeah, it’s a little small. The box recommends for ages 8 to 10, but whatevs. Ain’t no stupid box gonna tell me which Pokemon bikes I can and can’t ride. Besides, that recommended age range is WAY OFF. I mean, you might as well call this bike John Wayne Gacy, because it would totally MURDER any young boy who got anywhere near it!!

Alright chumps, that’s it. Me and this bike got some assassinating to do, so I’m gonna have to bounce. I’m heading up to the school. Probably gonna exterminate the basketball court with some sweet wheelies. Feel free to come with – that is, if you don’t mind a little blood…OR A LOT! Smell ya later!


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