Jeff Wysaski
It’s the weekend! Yay! What are we going to do? I know, let’s go on down to the petting zoo and pet us some animals! Totally! I’ve just been itching to rub my hands all over some wild animals! But wait – what kind of animals do they have? Goats and sheep, I think. Probably a pig. And maybe a camel if we’re lucky. What!? That’s it? Well then forget it. We might as well just stay home and pet the dog.
Hey folks, sound familiar? Probably, because no matter where you go, petting zoos are all the same. Walk in. Pet some goats. Feed the sheep. Check your watch. Fall asleep. And yet, for some reason we keep going back again and again.
Well, if you’re tired of rubbing your hands all over those weak, docile creatures that do nothing but put you in a coma, then come on down to Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo!
At Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, we have all the animals everyone’s always dreamt about petting! Forget all those lame-ass animals on the bottom of the food chain, because Little Bill’s animals are the cream of the crop – and they eat those other animals for breakfast…LITERALLY!
What type of animals am I talking about? Little Bill’s big Game Petting Zoo has it all, including grizzly bears, wolverines and cats! No, not house cats, stupid! Leopards, lions, tigers and the rest of those badass felines!
And that’s not all! If the soft fur of earth’s most dangerous mammals isn’t enough for you, switch it up with the scales and blubber of the fiercest underwater killers – including toothy crocodiles, ornery Great White sharks and the dreaded manatee.
Finally, animals with claws, fangs and other COOL features are available for the most awesome and stimulating of senses – TOUCH! Of course, you won’t be petting those parts of the animals (they’re sharp), but WOW! Imagine how you’ll feel when you’re rubbing on one of God’s most fiercest creations!
Think we have bobcats and badgers? Think again! At Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, only animals WITH NO NATURAL PREDATORS are good enough for our customers. Sorry cobra, you need not apply – if some pansy-ass mongoose can take you out, then you’re not wanted here.
But wait, you say!? Why is that normal, run-of-the-mill horse prancing around in the center pen there? Because Old Bert there IS RABID AS HELL and foaming at the mouth for your flesh – his special all-meat diet makes sure of that!! Trust me, that WILD STALLION is the most dangerous animal here, and you’ll be squealing with delight as he kicks and bites while you pose for pictures and pet his gorgeous mane.
Worried our predators have grown soft and lethargic from the easy petting zoo life? No worries!! Every morning we poke them with sticks to make sure they’re nice and angry by the time you arrive! And at Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo, all our animals are underfed, ensuring they are super hungry – AND SUPER FEROCIOUS – 24/7!!!
So what’s it gonna be? A yawn-fest with the other guys? Or a day of adventure and excitement at Little Bill’s Big Game Petting Zoo? I may be little, but I’m big on fun! Come on out and rub your hands all over some animals you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT! Open seven days a week, 10 am to 9 pm!! Five dollars and a signed waiver gets you full access for the entire day!!
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