Instructions For My Birthday Party

I love surprises! So when you enter, go ahead and place your coats in the front bedroom and then hide behind the living room couch. That way, when I enter – SURPRISE – in walks crazy COAT MAN wearing all your coats and dancing like a fool!

birthday-partyBefore I take off all those coats, I’m probably going to make a joke and say, “Okay, now who’s ready for the strip poker tournament?” When I do, you should laugh. A lot. Then, give me a compliment about how funny I am.

Just for today, I am going to ask that you don’t address me by my first name. Because today is special and I want a special title. So instead of saying, “Hey, Jeff” or “Jeff is so funny,” you should say something like “Hey, Coat Man!” Or “That Coat Man is so funny.” That way, whenever you say my name, people will be reminded of earlier. You know, when I did that funny thing with all the coats?

I better not hear any complaints about how cold it is in my house. Because as it stands now, Coat Man is a funny kind of crazy. But when Coat Man gets all hot and cranky, you better watch out – because that’s a whole ‘nuther kind of crazy altogether.

When it comes time to open presents, I bet you think I’m going to say something clever like, “Boy, I sure hope one of these is a new coat!” But you’re wrong because I don’t want to kill the joke by bringing it up all day long. So, during presents let’s just forget about Coat Man and enjoy the party. That way, we can all come up with some new jokes and keep the party fresh when I unwrap that JUMBO PACK OF COAT HANGERS!

Everyone knows I usually have cheesecake for my birthday, but this year I want a huge SLEEVE of chocolate cake, baked around a hidden POCKET of fudge and covered in a thick COAT of chocolate icing. Don’t ask me why, just pull that bad boy out at the right time and know that something really funny is about to happen!

When the party is over and I finally give you your coats back, don’t bother going through the pockets – they’re going to be empty. Coat Man just doesn’t show up at parties for free, you know?


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